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If Santa answered mail honestly


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Warning: Parts of this may be offensive to some. then again, maybe not.

But there's your warning anyway.

IF SANTA ANSWERED HIS MAIL HONESTLY

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all

Yeer.

yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about

I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm

giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

--------------------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they??

Santa

------------------! ------

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do??

Love Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your

frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that

dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

--------------------------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots

for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when

riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of

scotch.

Santa

---------------------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year! ? Are you busy making

toys??

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I

spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by

drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while

losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

skipping your house.

Santa

---------------------------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE

PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap

doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

------------------------

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your

ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a

low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like

the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

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those are funny but evil. Can you imagine if your kid really got one of those replies. But I did get a jolly ole laugh out of it.

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"Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year! ? Are you busy making

toys??

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I

spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by

drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while

losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa "

THis would be the most realistic and believeable response in these modern times

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I told 'Santa' one year, that since I had only asked for one thing (the same thing every year) for a period of about 5 years or so, that I was going to take next 5 year or so and be as bad as I wanted to be... I further told him that there was nothing he could do about it, and that I had plans on being so bad, that the 'coal in the stocking' threat should just be ammended to signing over the rights to all the coal mining states in the US....that would pretty much make us 'even'

ROFLMAO

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You know, in third grade, as a writing exercise I really did write that what I wanted for Christmas was people to stop being mean to each other. Scouts honor I did. My teacher noted that I misspelled "people" "pepole" but other than that was very impressed, and my parents didn't smoke pot while they were pregnant with me. They dropped a little acid but that was it.

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