In need of honest opinions

[Guest]

Hello my name is Jessi and I am an emt

I need your honest opinion here. I have recently found by accident that my husband who is a medic is having cyber-sex. He has gotten on quite a few sites and registered and has even talked to some of these girls.

My question is would you consider this cheating?

[ERDoc]

Hello my name is Jessi and I am an emt

I need your honest opinion here. I have recently found by accident that my husband who is a medic is having cyber-sex. He has gotten on quite a few sites and registered and has even talked to some of these girls.

My question is would you consider this cheating?

Ask this question to 100 people here and you will get 150 opinions. In the end, all that really matters is, do you consider this cheating?

[Ridryder 911]

In the words of Dr. Phil.. would he do this in front of you or would not be ashamed of doing it in front of you ?.. If not, then there is something wrong. Behavior of flirtation, chatting with each other inappropiately can open doors that should not be explored. How would he feel if ths was you.

Unfaithfulness, is in the heart as much as physical...if you can not trust, the one whom is supposed to be your best friend, whom should you trust?

I suggest you to confront him, seek counseling if not for your marriage, but for your self as well....

I wish you peace and best of luck...

R/R 911

[AnatomyChick]

I agree wholeheartedly with Rid.... and I suppose with Dr. Phil (in this instance)... #1. You wouldn't have asked the question here if you weren't concerned, so.. if it bothers you, it's probably not "innocent fun". #2. How did you find out? Did you stumble upon the information, or did he openly tell you about it... if he was trying to hide it, then his intent was "cheating".

Just my honest opinion.

Jo

[akflightmedic]

Emotional affairs are 100 times worse than the physical ones. A bond is forged via the internet. Problems you should be discussing with each other are now being talked over with a third party. These are the times when you need to turn to each other and be honest and communicative. As one who has been cheated on and one who has cheated, this is how it can and usually does start. I recommend you talk to him, communication being the key and seek out counseling. It does help...

[THUMPER1156]

people have different opions on cheating.if theres intent id say yes thats cheating.

having a friend you chat with is totally different.if hes keeping it a secret from you

& making ""plans'' or sexual content thats a whole new deal. if you feel hes doing

wrong,go with your gut feeling.if you think hes cheatin, he probably is.theres another

saying,if it ain't broke ,don't fix it!!!!

[akflightmedic]

theres another

saying,if it ain't broke ,don't fix it!!!!

You are so very wrong with this mode of thinking. If you wait till its broke, it might never be fixed.

Do you not put oil in your car or air in the tires because they aren't broke? No! This is because its needs maintenance and periodic checks to make sure everything is running smoothly. A marriage is no different. It needs maintenance and periodic work to keep everything running in a harmonious direction.

Do you avoid the dentist for cleanings, cause your teeth ain't broke so they don't need fixing. Ok, I made my point. Your comment is wrong in theory and practice.

The point being, is if it makes you unconformtable, then its an issue, end of discussion. You do not need to shut up and avoid it or tolerate it. This will only create resentment over time. What you need to do is sit down and talk openly to him about how it is affecting you. No shoouting or yelling. He will get defensive and try to put a spin on it and may even make you seem foolish for thinking that way cause he would never do that to you ever. Stand your ground. Get a solution to the problem. Do not let yourself become the bad guy. His actions are making you uncomfortable. You want more advice, pm me in private. Remember, I know these things. I was a cheater, been there done that, know all the tricks.

[Ridryder 911]

Good points AK.. there are many of us that have made wrong choices and been victims as well. This topic has been discussed before in different formats. I agree, communication is the key of any good relationship. This might be part of the problem as well. Just because it is "chat room" does not excuse it. Like I have posted, my rule of thumb, if I would not participate in behavior where I would be uncomfortable or my spouse would be uncomfortable then there is something wrong. This be .. "rubbing shoulders, chatting on Internet, or even talking b.s. to others".. respect, dignity is values of maturity, in which many in this profession is lacking.

The old rule the grass is greener on the other side.. especially when it is over the septic tank..lol..

Most married couples, can usually tell when there is problems, but are too scared to confront the issues. Like a snowball, rolling down hill gains momentum and gets bigger.

I again wish you the best of luck...

R/R 911

[Guest]

First I want to thank all of you for your honest opinions. I knew I could count on everyone here.

To answer some of your questions. Yes I stumbled upon this by accident. I was just on the computer and found all of it. I still have not said anything to him because I am afraid of what will happen. Well actually I know what will happen. He will get all defensive and accuse me of not trusting him. It will somehow get turned on ME being the bad one in the situation.

We have tried marriage counseling before and it didn't really help. I thought about trying someone else, but I just don't know.

I am just petrified as to what is going to come of this. I Love him and don't want to lose him.

Thanks again for all of your honest opinions.

[Ridryder 911]

How could he ever blame you for his actions ?.. don't be co-dependent. You might love him, but you also deserve to be respected as well. Love goes both way... not, just to give. If this matter is really important to you, he will listen and see how serious this matter is and can be.

Again, I highly suggest professional counseling, if not for both of you, at least for yourself. I usually base relationship importance on how much effort each is wiling to work on the problems.

Trust is something that is earned. Short and simple. To do inappropriate actions as this is he took take away that trust. If he wants to be trusted, then he has to earn your trust... & by chatting, flirting, etc.. is definitely not the appropriate way to do it.

You actually have the upper hand.. you did not do anything wrong. If he blames you for his actions, remember it is his actions (no one forced him to do anything) He is responsible for his own behavior. I am sure he will describe it was "no big deal & nothing wrong".. well, it was to you and that is all that matters. Same if it was reversed. Again, respect, and trust. If it is not that big of deal, then he will have no problem attending counseling.

Sometimes you have to shop around until you find a good counselor.. ask peers, co-workers. I highly suggest a family therapist, psychologist over social worker type.

I wish you the best of luck...

R/R 911