In need of honest opinions

[hammerpcp]

I thought about trying someone else, but I just don't know.

That's what I'd do.

Love isn't enough. If you can't even address your concerns with him, without being made into the"guilty party", that's a big problem right there. Don't settle, you're letting yourself down. And even though it doesn't feel like it all the time, you will be fine with or with out him.

take care, I hope you work it out one way or another.

[Michael]

I took what

I thought about trying someone else, but I just don't know.

to mean another counselor, not another partner.

In any event, canvassing this forum may be a good way to test the waters, but to make changes you'll eventually need a real-life intervention that offers ongoing support in both a detached and committed way. The internet, which in addition to information offers only illusory intimacy based on individuals' construction of personas (= masks) is not the medium that can give you conclusive relief any more than it will satisfy him long-term. By all means sound us out here, but I would suggest you not believe that this kind of discussion can be an ultimately satisfying substitute for the depth of encounter you are seeking to heal your wound. Just as it can't be for him. Use us as a launching pad into a real-life resource.

That's my "Psychiatric Help, 5 Cents" contribution.

[paramedicmike]

It will somehow get turned on ME being the bad one in the situation.

We have tried marriage counseling before and it didn't really help.

You know, you'll forgive my being blunt, but this sounds like a relationship that has already fallen apart. It's just that noone's told you yet. Like Rid said, you did nothing wrong. He can't turn this around on you because you've done nothing wrong. If he tries to pin this on you, you have the advantage of knowing he's going to try to plus he made the choice to fool around.

I am just petrified as to what is going to come of this. I Love him and don't want to lose him.

This may just be the pessimist in me, but it sounds like he's already gone. He's actively cheating on you. He's having virutal sex. The mere fact that you know he's going to be defensive and try to say it's your fault indicates he's guilty. This sounds like he's already checked out and just hasn't had the common decency to tell you.

Please follow up with some professional (marriage) counseling. You can only benefit from it.

Be strong. You can and will get through this. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. He's the scumbag. You are not!

Good luck.

-be safe.

[Michael]

The interest that several here have kindly shown in this lady's difficult situation, and the certainty of some of the opinions that have met it, lead me to attach a link. It is here for the interest of those who wish to be helpful rather than for the original poster. I attach it not because I accord authority to the one who created it, but as a refresher that there are multiple perspectives to most human situations, including tragic ones. I'm often out of synch with the values of the author and my style varies from his (which is not G-rated), but I'll take my wisdom wherever I can find it. Since ems providers are, to my mind admirably, dedicated to serving everyone in need, it's here as a challenge to enter into the perspectives of those with whom we share the planet, and sometimes unexpectedly, more than that.

The first link at the bottom of the page leads to an extended discussion.

http://villagevoice.com/people/0602,savage,71617,24.html

[Ridryder 911]

Sorry, you can't blame "cheating' on anyone but your self... if the relationship is bad.. then change yourself or the situation. Go to counseling or if no other choice.. get a divorce. Sorry, there is never been any proof that infidelity ever had been successful to anyone.

Like I said, you are only as good as your word and character. Dignity does have its value.... If you can cheat or lie, to the one you love, there is not much you would not do for those you don't.

My 5 cents worth...

[Michael]

I misled those who might want to pursue the link I posted. Extended discussion is not at the first link at the bottom of that page, rather at http://villagevoice.com/people/0604,savage,71888,24.html

Roger, Rid - I'd rather rely on someone who holds the values you express here than with most others. My agenda is not to locate whom to blame (when I'm not the victim, that is :shock: ) but to comprehend others' perspectives. Blaming, I've been told and I've found, works a bit like swallowing poison and then waiting for the other person to die.

[hammerpcp]

I took what

to mean another counselor, not another partner.

That's my "Psychiatric Help, 5 Cents" contribution.

Please allow me to take things out of context to illustrate my opinions. :wink:

[Michael]

Huh?

[icebergmedic]

No, cheating? You need to talk to him... is he lacking something? in his life? Communication is the key...

[emtkelley]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. The same thing happened to me. Was it cheating? In my book, he didn't have to cheat on me physically. He cheated on me in his heart. Funny thing is the girl he left me for, caught him doing the same thing to her. She and I eventually spoke via the internet and I found out a great deal about a man who I thought I knew after 15 years. She only knew him for a year. Did she really think he wouldn't do the same to her? Gotta love karma.