andymascall

When a woman comes up to you and your wife in the street and says "this is our baby" and you have to explain for the next three hours that you delivered the baby and it wasn't ACTUALLY your baby

You know when you have been in ems too long when........... you go to a supermarket and instead of ogling at an attractive shoppers shapely legs, butt and thighs - you get excited about how good her veins in her arms are carrying the bags of groceries......... :oops: Andy

News just in.................. :computer: England have won the toss in the second test match in Australia. :hello1: Seasoned sports commentators fear this will be the only thing they win during the Ashes series............. :dontknow: God knows it is all downhill from here............. Andy :cya:

I am not biting phil..............................................

I saw something on the TV about this and apparently less than one percent of babies born pre 22 weeks survives at all - let alone with disabilities or handicapped in some way. That said - I would not like to be the parent who gets told that "we are not going to do anything for your child" Where do I stand on the subject? Heart says - treat at all costs Head says - agree with no treatment If it happened to me - well I just don't want to contemplate it.......................... Andy

The story of Maude and Claude - two elderly members of the community.......... They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts..... Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

We carry them here in East Anglia - they are battery eating machines that scare the living daylights out of you when you go through the security stands at the supermarket....................... Good cure for constipation I think!! Andy

It is just as difficult for an english paramedic to transfer to the states - but as an ex scottich ambulance paramedic - I would strongly advise choosing a decent service (any other service in the UK) regards Andy

Here is your chuckle for this week. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone !

Two calls come to mind - 1. Call to peel an old mans orange he was trying to eat. 2. Call to programme a VCR that the guy had received as a christmas present - on questioning the validity of the call - his comment was - "well you are a public servant - serve me" He promptly got told where he could put his VCR!!!!! :twisted: Andy

A clip that was sent to me..................... Here are six reasons why you should thinkbefore you speak - the last one is great!Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did! FIRST TESTIMONY:I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?">I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't >say a word.......he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY:I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls." THIRD TESTIMONY:My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY:While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this e nlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank wit h my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY:Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked>my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember>we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!

GLASGOW OLYMPICS In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organisers of Glasgow's bid have already drawn up an itinery and schedule of events. Here is the leaked copy. OPENING CEREMONY The olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from govan), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated in the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Olympic games, Glasgow's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Glasgow athletes. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 100 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (ie: car bonnets, hedges,gardens,fences,walls etc.) HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw,sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most greivous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the 2nd round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 litres of El Dorado or Buckfast while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course. SWIMMING Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the Clyde. The first three survivors back will decide the medals. MENS 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of any one walking that distance through the streets of Glasgow. THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Govan health in the community anti drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the police masons choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping, the central heating boiler and the satelite dish.

The Angry Mutation - hell these things are more accurate than you think!!!!

The reasoning we got here in the UK is that by doing 30:2 you build up coronary artery pressure and therefore made the heart more able to sustain a return of rhythm. When you come off of the chest it only takes 18 seconds to completely lose the pressure so single quick shocks are more effective. Also as stated, the build up of ATP makes the heart more receptive to a successful shock. Hope this helps Andy

Subject: FW: How to Hypnotize a man How to hypnotize a man in 2 simple steps: Instructions: 1) Click on the link below 2) Click on the picture, and drag it a little to the right, http://www.mxfiles.kneib.biz/drag_and_go_back_spezial.html

Water vs. Alcohol It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of sh!t. However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation. It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you. THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it !!

How come you never hear about "gruntled" company employees or workers? Is a hangover, the wrath of grapes? If corduroy pillows make headlines, how come we never read about them? Is this the first minute of the rest of your hour? Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? How come we choose from just two people for president and fifty for Miss America? Why are you in a movie but you're on TV? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If you were to choke a smurf, what color would it turn? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Is it right for vegetarians to eat animal crackers? If people from Poland are called "poles" why aren't people from Holland called "holes"? and people from Switzerland called..............oh never mind?" Why is a person who plays the piano called a "pianist" but a person who drives a race car not called a "racist?" Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Why do they call it "tuna fish?" They don't call chicken "chicken bird" Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why is it that when you transport something by road, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? How did a fool and his money GET together in the first place? What's another word for thesaurus? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? I shall bother you all no more................................................promise Andy x

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? Why do we call an incident that was almost a collision, a near miss? Surely, if it nearly missed, it must have hit. Should it not be called a near hit? Why are wrong phone numbers never engaged? Why, if blind people wear dark glasses, don't deaf people wear earmuffs? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Why do we say "the kettle is boiling" when we all know it's the water that boils? Why is the third hand on a watch is called the second hand? Why do banks leave the main doors open and then chain the pens to the counters? Why do we leave cars worth thousands in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage? Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight ? If man evolved from monkeys and apes...why do we still have monkeys and apes? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Is the main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? Andy x

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me." Says the Chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself." I had my first patient claiming to have bird - flu the other day .................wanker - as if my day wasn't bad enough :x

not according to the training we had from Boehringer Ingelheim - the manufacturer of tenectaplase - In their slides for location of infarct combinations V1+2 show anterior/posterior and V3+4 show Anterior/septal Theres my justification - check it out I think you will find I am right - if not send me a link to check it out - hate to think the literature they taught us with was wrong!!

Those of you who use 12 lead ekg's - A quick rule of thumb is: ST elevation > 1mm in:~ Lds I , aVL = lateral MI Lds II, III, aVF = Inferior MI Lds V1, V2 = Ant / Post MI Lds V3, V4 = Ant / Septal MI Lds V5/ V6 = Ant / Lateral MI Have a whole load of stuff on this is anyome is interested Another quick note is to be careful with AV paced and V paced patients as they can have "artificial" ST elevation due to the location of their pacing wires Andy

Absolutely no way - they are first responders and in the uk only get a minimal amount of training - I imagine how I would feel if it were a member of my family in the ambulance - and who I would expect to be treating them - and I know who I would choose

love a challenge - submit it and I'll give it a shot