Speeding

[Britpara]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 60."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your *beep* mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

[medicmole]

Here is a speeding joke I have always liked

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge, only to find a traffic cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" the cop asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!!!...................."

[medic_9]

A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding.

As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball."

He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

[Richard B the EMT]

Driving in another state with a friend, we were going the "double nickle" (55 MPH), "plus tax" (and then some), when we passed a guy in a sedan. This was the mid 1970s, during the Citizens Band craze. It turned out the guy was using the name "Bullet", and we had been talking to him for a couple of miles on the CB. When we passed him, he called us, asking if we were in "that white German cadillac?" (We were in an Audi) When we confirmed we were, he advised us to slow down. We asked, "Why, is "Smokey" (CB nickname for Highway Patrol Officers, usually attired in "Smokey the Bear" type "campaign hats") around?"

"Yeah. You just passed one!"

The three of us in the car came to a sudden realization that Bullet and us were the only cars on the road. Our 3 heads suddenly turned to look over our shoulders, and there's Bullet, wearing one of those hats!

He just verbally scolded us over the air, bade us slow down, which we did, and we continued on our journey, unstopped, and with finances intact.

[WendyT]

A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding.

As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball."

He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

I'll have to remember that one the next time Calgary's finest ever pull me over.