Britpara

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

......what??

At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to those normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates. INSTRUCTIONS Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0. 05 Miss Worlds 2.5 Models 463 Wild nymphos 3,234 Good-looking nymphos 20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms 40,198 Bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate...send this letter today to 9 of your best friends. PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it. PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake. _________________

In the UK, Dominos pizzas give all uniformed emergency workers 50% discount. McDonalds give us everything they have left at closing time, and sometimes that is a LARGE amount free. Most food shops will call you to the front of the queue to get served if you are in uniform. The local Indian restaurants will give you free drinks with your takeaway meal. We generally get free coffee and tea at most large food chain outlets.

:shock:

Due to increasing concern that alcohol is bad for you, the Government has decided, as it did with cigarettes, that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the *beep* happened to your bra and panties. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe on heat. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends repeatedly that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak yu tink you kan tipe real gude.

Oh I see, In order to take part in this forum I have to meet some self appointed Dustdevil standards?? I think not. This forum is for the use of EMS staff worldwide. I saw no rules on signing up for it stating I had to contribute in any other way than I wanted or needed to. I choose to post jokes because I think that we all have very high stress jobs and to make people laugh or smile may in someway help us all to get through our shifts. You have no right to attack me in the way you have Dust, and it is also a little bit sad on your part that you are keeping some sort of warped tally of my posts. Maybe it's time for a few of you to grow up especially you Dust. Come down of your high horse and realise that all those stars above your name and all those posts you've written do not make you superior in any way to me or anyone else.

..........aaaaaaaaannd breathe! :wink:

I was feeling low the other day so I called a helpline number I saw on the TV. I got through to a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I felt suicidal they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!! :shock:

Im a wee bit cynical about this contest. It's a lot of work for not much of a prize! :? Anyone else feel the same :?:

Then help the drunk get home :shock: http://mistux2.com/misgroup/funnies/drunk/...e%205-20-07.php

Well just imagine how confused us poor old Brits are by all that!! :wink:

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER - £1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH - £2.50 HAND-JOB - £100.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The old biker replies, "well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!"

The Christmas season has been here for a while 4kids!!! Take a look here... http://www.emtcity.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=10569

Im with Paramedicmike on this one, this is not a funny item and should not be in this section of the forum. Mods, how about moving the thread to a more appropriate catagory? :wink:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 14, 2007 My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes ======================================================== December 15, 2007 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ========================================================= December 16, 2007 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes ========================================================= December 17, 2007 Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ========================================================== December 18, 2007 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ======================================================== December 19, 2007 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes ======================================================== December 20, 2007 John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's swan shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ========================================================= December 21, 2007 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their bloody cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. Agnes ========================================================= December 22, 2007 Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours ! Agnes ========================================================== December 23, 2007 You rotten Bastard: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shite. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you ! Agnes ========================================================= December 24, 2007 Listen F*ckhead: What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes ========================================================= December 25, 2007 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole

I can think of worse things to have!!

A patient goes into a hospital to have a look round before a procedure. The doctor showing her round takes her into one room where she sees a man masturbating ferociously. "My God! What's going on in here?", exclaims the patient. The doctor replies, "This man has a very rare condition where he produces far too much semen and needs to masturbate continuously or his testicles will explode." "Goodness!", the woman replies "How awful!". The doctor then takes the patient into the next room where she sees a man getting a blowjob from a nurse. "Explain that one then!!", says the woman. The doctor replies, "same condition, but this man has Medical Insurance". :shock: _________________

Sorry, couldn't find any virgins or wise men.

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson whisky. Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees And put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub" :shock: _________________

I know this is just plain silly.. But why is this thread in "Funny Stuff"? :sign6:

Sorry spenac I... I... don't know what to say (sniff)