My first loss wasn't so hard on me. It was a bad circumstance for the pt and a tragic loss to the family, but to keep the stress down in the back of the bus we have to find things to laugh at ya know? Sometimes the tension gets so thick back there that a medic can make a basic fall over withought physical contact. So when we can be serious about our call and still laugh at the fact there is Skippy Chunky Penut Butter ALL OVER the back of the bus, in every corner and across the celing, then it's a good call for a rookie to see that not everyone makes it. I'll never forget the pt staring at me while I bagged. Or one of our fire capt's. buying us all Reeses' Cups ASAP upon arrival at the hosp. I've had a few full codes since then and none made it. Also had a few (back to back at that) that looked rotten, but somehow once we got the vehicle off their face things were looking up for them and they made out fine. Round here we have a way us using twisted humor to offset stress.... well I'd bet you all do.
Burnout's another thing though. I can relate to short-term burnout, but not the kind that leads to complete dissatisfaction of the job. I learned the hard way why I have to sleep and not work 72 hours on 6 hours off by taking a bus through a barrier wall on the freeway, and I've changed a lot since then. The hours I sign up for, the hours I sleep, my diet and fitness reflect the lesson learned with the loss of a good little bus. In case you wondered, our squad is the only thing that made out from my incident harmed, all occupants of the vehicle were belted and came out unscathed. No long-term burnout here though, I'm a lifer.