Jokes of a different Nature. ;-)

[WendyT]

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them.

If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and l

eft there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came

out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he

was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here.

You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.

Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this.

"Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.

The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions

would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.

"Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the

other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly,

"Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

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Check out this link...http://alt-med-dictionary.com/

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Living Will

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body,

do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians

who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer,

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and

attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special

law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads

mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education

and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case .

I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for

the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and

leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in

which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly

haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf.

They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause,

I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

Signed this ____ day of ___________ 2005

_______________________________________

Signature

_______________________________________

Witness or Family Doctor

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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided

to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they

were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that

they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to

help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked,

"Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that

down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that

so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Even at my age, I have to right it down.

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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened

and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my

left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

"We even called up Mavis, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,

then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

"Yep." the old man replied, "And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open.

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Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down

by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright

and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5.The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no

introduction.

3.You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars... but I can see something

that rhymes with Venus.

And the#1 way to tell someone his zipper is

unzipped...

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see

your nuts.

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Ad in local paper

REGIONAL HOSPITAL HIRIN RN'S AN DLPN'S COMPETITIVE PAY, GENERAOUS SHIT DIFFERENTIAL....

OH what a differnece an "f" makes LOL

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A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible

sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being

diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to

blister and seeing the severe pain

he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative,

and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him,

Doctor?

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.

Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;

that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driv ing it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.

And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism

of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?

Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they

take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.

Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No

Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,

they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only

be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!

It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an

attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -

chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

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Lesson on Inner peace from Dr. Phil

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could

all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started

and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before

leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel,

a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac

prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel! The man is a Genius!

[skibum]

Very nice

[GBFDEMS174]

this is funny i couldn't stop lauging for 5 minutes straight thanks for the good laugh.

[iMac]

that was really good :colors: