Something That Got To Me

[uglyEMT]

Hey folks. Well its another "feelings" post but have to get it out. I hate holding this stuff in and think maybe it may help others. So here it goes....

Well its my birthday today 11/30 and it has me thinking alot. I had a call the other day that got to me, one of those calls that just turned my insides. 20 yr old male OD Thats not what got me, been on enough of them to be "cold" to it. What got me was why! Here we are breaking a bathroom door down with the parents involved finding an unconcious boy on the floor needle still in his arm. Dad starts crying and Mom is a wreck over it. Clearly they care and are upset over this. We are bagging and getting ready to load and go. Still have a weak pulse so I am hopeful. The second the kid hits the Reeves he wakes up. Gags the OPA out and it feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Now comes the emotional part. Dad starts asking the son why, why, why. Mom can't look at him but is crying in the other room. His response? I can't live with myself any more! WHAT!?! 20 years old and its so bad you try to take your life? Apparently this young man hit a rough patch and doesn't think its worth it anymore.

Dad starts balling hearing this and Mom needs to be consoled by the PD on scene, I was actually getting nervous she might be a patient pretty soon she was so upset. OK I know it doesn't sound like the worst call in the world but it started getting to me.

We have him in the back and ALS is working him up. 12 lead, Narcan, IV, the works. Well this frees me up a little and I start talking with him. Now it gets to me alot. Listening to this kid tell me all his troubles, it gets to me deeply for some reason. His buddy called him a loser the night before. Hes in trouble with the law. He's afraid his parents don't love him anymore because of it. The list went on and on. I know to a 20 year old it must have seemed like the world was against him but I am thinking to myself if thats all you are worried about you have it easy. Then I stop myself.

Wait a minute, to me its trivial, to him its the end of the world. He just tried taking his own life. Then it sets in, looking at his tears stream down his face while talking to me. I am staying strong and being a good listener without showing emotion but inside I want to break down. Here we are day before Thanksgiving and I have a person thinking life sucks bad enough to end it.

I try and tell him its not that bad. What else can I do? I try telling him it will be all right, Mom and Dad still love him, his buddy is a moron, the list went on. But all the time I was tearing up inside realizing that to this boy it was easier to try to take his life then try and fix it. Now I don't know this kids history other then what he told me, he's not a frequent flyer of mine so I don't know if he is a chronic user, all I know is that he's my patient and I "have" to "fix" him. I felt compelled this time, something inside me is screaming out to him. So I lean in and look him in the eyes. I see fear, pain, suffering. I dont see a 20 year old, I see a little boy, I see a child.

I tell him we will get him whatever help he needs. I tell him it will be better this time. I wipe his tears away. The same way a father would a child. I am trying to hold it all back. It is wierd. I dont know why this kid got to me so deeply. I have a million things going through my head, a million emotions. One thing I am glad for is he is alive. Its like an epifany, he IS alive. 15 minutes ago I was working to save this kid's life. I was fighting for his life in front of his parents. I was taking care of someones baby boy. Its the day before Thanksgiving, will it be something to be thankful for or something to be remembered? Now I am talking with him, it IS something to be thankful for.

We get him to the ED and transfer care. I finish the PCR and hand it to the charge nurse. I am told, "Happy Thanksgiving if we dont see you again." My partners ask who is driving. Not me I say.

I get in the back and a tear rolls down my face. I am a wreck, emotionally I am spent. Here was an "average" call, something I have been on before, but its hitting me so deeply. I am trying to figure out why and still I can't. Was it the day? The person? The parents? I don't know but it got to me. We get back to the station and I get to me truck and loose it. Here I am, big, strong EMT man crying like a 2 year old in my driver seat. I can't believe a 20 year old thinks life is so bad he should end it. Here a day before Thanksgiving someone though their life was worthless. Here I am letting him know it isn't worthless, we were there FOR him. I made someones Thanksgiving for them.

Now I am balling even worse. I start thinking of my family, my friends, my life. I start think of Thanksgiving. Not the commercial holiday it has become, not the turkey or stuffing, not the crandberry sauce. I start thinking of what I have to be thankful for. The real Thanksgiving, the reasons I have to give thanks for. I sit there and just let it all out.

I get home and kiss my wife and tell her I love her, my eyes are dry, I don't show what I had gone through. I stay strong in front of her, I don't like bringing it home with me. Unfortunatly it wont be long before I am needed again, another 20 something that I have to help

Thanks for letting me get it out folks, took me a while to just type it. Not knowing if I should or shouldn't but I did. I hope it helps someone else. Let it out, you can be emotional after the call. We are human, sometimes it just gets to us for some reason. I know throughout the call we are the ones folks turn too, the strong ones, the ones that "fix" things. Its after the call most don't see, the stuff some of us don't like talking about. Well I did, hehehee, guess I am just a big softy inside. No thats not it, it was just something that got to me that I needed to get out. To share this with you folks, to show we are human, to show emotions are fine and sometimes we have to let them out.

I don't know if this made any sense to anyone but I had to. Sorry if it was a waste of time but if it helped anyone your welcome in advance.

Back to your regularly scheduled program.....

[fakingpatience]

Suicides and suicide attempts always increase by the holidays. It is a stressful time for many people, with all the family expectations and let downs. Large family gatherings are stressful for a multitude of reasons, and if you don't have a family to gather with, it can be depressing. Society and the multimedia perpetuate the idea that everyone needs to have the 'perfect holiday.' Tie that in with the fact that many more people are now financially unable to provide a 'perfect' holiday for their families this year, and they feel like a failure.

That said,

I HATE dealing with family on scene at crap calls. I can work a code, or see a DOA no problem, but hearing the family grieve afterwards gets to me. I think part of that is because there is nothing we can do for them. I worked a code on a youngish guy, and I don't remember anything about the code, but I remember the toddlers wide eyes, watching us try and save his daddy....

[HERBIE1]

Ug- it's odd which calls can get to you. Nothing wrong with it at all- it simply means you are human. Sometimes our defenses are down- personal issues and distractions can sometimes make us more vulnerable.

For many, holidays are a difficult time of year- we remember loved ones and friends no longer with us, and can become melancholy about our losses.

Tough. Hang in there.

[DwayneEMTP]

I loved this story. Everything about it, and you're right, that some calls get to you. And then you're even more right. We all have things to learn from these shared experiences. Good work brother.

...Listening to this kid tell me all his troubles, it gets to me deeply for some reason. His buddy called him a loser the night before. Hes in trouble with the law. He's afraid his parents don't love him anymore because of it. The list went on and on. I know to a 20 year old it must have seemed like the world was against him but I am thinking to myself if thats all you are worried about you have it easy. Then I stop myself.

Wait a minute, to me its trivial, to him its the end of the world. He just tried taking his own life. Then it sets in, looking at his tears stream down his face while talking to me. I am staying strong and being a good listener without showing emotion but inside I want to break down. Here we are day before Thanksgiving and I have a person thinking life sucks bad enough to end it.

... So I lean in and look him in the eyes. I see fear, pain, suffering. I dont see a 20 year old, I see a little boy, I see a child.

I like this a lot, for many reasons. First, he is a child now, right? Like a child he's in a situation where he has no logical tools at his disposal. We know this, right, because he's chosen illogical tools instead? So relating to him on that level, within reason of course, makes sense to me. Also, it helps remove the 'fault' from your treatment. Did he really try and kill himself, or was he pretending to get attention? Is he habitual and just arriving at the logical conclusion of his previous habitual behavior? Is this the 15th time he's pulled this crap? It doesn't matter to our care, does it? Obviously he's broken in some way, and dealing with broken people, either physically, or emotionally is what we do, right? Awesome attitude for a provider man, I'm really proud of you.

... I tell him we will get him whatever help he needs. I tell him it will be better this time. I wipe his tears away. The same way a father would a child.

One thing I've found that seems to help here, to help some look at getting help differently, is to say something to the effect of, "I know that you think that getting help means going to someone that will help you to pretend to be better. That you'll feel the same pain, but they'll teach you to put a better face on it. But that's not true. I've been where you are (And I have, and in those moments it's near impossible to believe in the possibility of 'better', much less good) and its not about pretend. If you seek the help, and commit yourself to it, one day before long you will walk out of this this dark tunnel into the sunshine and it will be good, not pretend good, but really good. You will be happy to be alive. And you know what? If you have anyone in this world that you love, or have anyone that loves you, you have no right to choose not to get healthy, because they need you just as much as you need them."

... I am trying to hold it all back. It is wierd. I dont know why this kid got to me so deeply.

I don't know why either. But I'm glad he did. Because next time I end up in an emotional shit storm that I can't seem to find my way out of, I hope you'll come and take care of me.

... We get back to the station and I get to me truck and loose it.

Heh, check your grammar. I think you mean 'lose' it. Unless you were so upset of course that you went back to the station and pooped your pants. But hey, no one's judging... :-)

... I don't know if this made any sense to anyone but I had to. Sorry if it was a waste of time but if it helped anyone your welcome in advance.

Made perfect sense to me. And you've not posted anything so far that I can think of that wasted my time.

Thanks for sharing man. This story exemplifies the best of EMS, so it doesn't surprise me that it came from you.

I have had a few calls similar to that, and will post later if I can sneak away...

Merry Christmas all! (And don't tell me it's too early ! I wait all year to say that!)

Dwayne

Edited for grammar. One of the things I hate about criticizing people's grammar is that I then have to spend about 3 hrs rereading MY post to try and ensure I didn't make any bonehead errors. :-) For the record, Ugly's presentation is alway really good in my opinion, I just thought it was hilarious to talk about him pooping his pants.

Edited November 30, 2010 by DwayneEMTP

[Happiness]

Suicide or attempted suicide is one of the hardest calls you will ever have to do. You are trained to save a life and when you are doing it to someone who is trying to end it, it makes your brain hurt.

I have made it a policy not to go to a suicides funerals.

20 yr old male who had just broke up with his gf, lost his job and was into the drug scene decided to hang himself in front of his parents back deck glass doors. Dad gets up to get his coffee and see's his son hanging there.

So my first emotional response was WTF and I was real angry at the kid (please remember I live in a small town and this kid had grown up with mine).

My second response came after we had made sure our new pts (the parents and other family member) were taken care of and the RCMP had completed their investigation and we had taken the boy to the morgue. I was very sad that this young man for 2 weeks had been trying to reach out to his family and friends for help, and no one saw the red flags. Now hindsight is a beautiful thing, he had told his parents that he wanted to end it all, his ex-girlfriend and other people in the community. Why did he fall through the cracks has always weighed heavily in my mind as he was deep down a very polite, and a good kid who had made some bad choices. He also didnt have a hx of attempts so this was a commplete shock to everyone envolved.

There are many other aspects to this call that I could go into but I wanted you to know that this is the only call that I have actually shed tears on the scene. I did attend the funeral only because the ex-gf asked me to be there for support for her, and for what ever reason our community came together for his service and made that a wake up call for us all. Now we have workshops about every six months the everyone is welcome to go to for suicide prevention.

Ugly I kind of went on just so you know there are always going to be those calls that make you cry, angry and just plain go against your own morals. We all have them and we will continue to have them but in the end we end up learning things about our own nature that we may not thought we had.

After this call I went to the beach and cried my eyes out, then went and found my bestest friend in world and let it all out. If you have someone to vent to you should do it as in the end it will make you feel better.

Hope this helps a bit

Happy

[rock_shoes]

It's rarely any particular call that "gets you." It's a summation of calls that happens to be "set off" by a single event. Those one or two calls that come to the surface even though you've seen far more tragedy than just those one or two events are your manifestation of the grief you've never expressed before. Most of us in EMS take on more than our fair share of tragedy. It's part of the job. That also means we need a way to deal with that part of the job so that we don't let the tragedies of others become ours. Whatever that is for you seek it out. A weekend hunting trip with the boys, a ski tour with the local mountain club, ice-climbing in the Rockies, anything.

If you let it, EMS will "chew you up and spit you out" then move on to the next victim with a big heart who has yet to develop their coping mechanisms; whatever those may be.

[uglyEMT]

Thanks for the replies guys and gals

Dwayne, you are correct that line was way off in the grammar department. I appologize for it. It should have read

"We get back to the station and I get to my truck and lose it."

BTW Dwayne I love the sick sense of humor. Brought a smile when I needed one most.

To everyone else that is and has replied, thank you. I am glad to see it gets all of us sometime, its not just me and that nothing is wrong with me. I do have coping things and hobbies and I thought I was doing good. Until that day I felt fine. I guess sometimes its just buried too deep and something sets it off and when it comes to the surface it is overwhelming. Im glad we have this site, gives me and us, another outlet to get the feelings, pain, fustration, anger, and whatever else is inside out.

Thanks again guys.

[EMT155]

Wow.

Ugly, I have to tell you, this post really reached out and touched me.

Suicide is a topic that's been going around here lately. About a month ago, a friend of ours ended her life by stepping in front of a car. My biggest issue is that now someone else is scarred for the rest of their life because of this.

Maybe I'm being insensitive, but I just can't see anything that is so bad that you need to end your life.

My finace and i work with gay and transgendered youth, and I've heard stories from some of these kids that would tear your heart out and they still keep on keeping on.

As to how it affected you, I think that sometimes we all get to a point where we can't help becoming attached or feeling an attachment to a patient. Especially if it's a young person and we are a parent. I've never been ashamed of that and neither should you. It makes us human and shows that we do what we do because we care, not because it's a paycheck. Expressing yourself is what helps prevent or put off the burnout that is caused by holding it all in.

Thank you for sharing, you aren't the only one who feels that way.

Jim

[medicgirl05]

First of all, I just want to say thanks for sharing. At the service where I work it is frowned upon to have feelings about a call, so it is encouraging that not all people feel this way.

Second, I know hard it is to deal with family during and after a call. I think the hardest part of my job is telling family members that despite all our efforts there loved one has died. It is so uncomfrotable knowing how to handle the situation as every person takes the news differently. Some get angry, some sad, some blame you, and some thank you.

Third, suicide or attempted suicide, is one of those things that nobody ever taught me in school how to deal with. I never know the right thing to say and am always sad when I get back to the office.

I dont know why some calls affect us more than others. Ive seen some horrible things in the past 5 years and to think about the ones that have bothered me almost seems ridiculous!

Thanks again for sharing!

[Vorenus]

First of all, I just want to say thanks for sharing. At the service where I work it is frowned upon to have feelings about a call, so it is encouraging that not all people feel this way.

Right!

That seems to be wide-stretched problem in EMS. It`s weird though, seeing of what the work sometimes consists of.

There are some calls that affect you more than others, that`s natural.

I remember that, when I was in training in the ER, my first patient was a 90 year old lady, who had tried to kill herself using benzos (and nearly succeeded). When we treated her, she was just regaining consciousness and muttered the whole time, that we should let her die and that she doesn`t want to live anymore. Just the perfect first day.