So lets talk marital difficulties....

[Kaisu]

Is EMS difficult on marriages? or are people that are attracted to EMS also poor marriage material? I'm asking because my third marriage is in trouble. I really don't think its just me, but with this track record I gotta look at the constant - me. Maybe I just pick badly? Any insights, suggestions, tips, etc would be greatly appreciated.

[spenac]

Has not hurt my marriage. 2009 will be our 20th anniversary. EMS became my mistress many years ago but my wife knows I am faithful to her and trusts me. I think to often trust issues play a huge part, either the EMS person worrys about what spouse does while gone and vice versa. Plus some can not leave there EMS family when off duty so their real family suffers and that can cause divisions that grow. When off duty it is me and my family. I do not spend all day talking/texting the people I work with, that time belongs to my family. We spend quality time, and I get lots of honey do time which I could do without so much but thats another thread.

But why you are on your third could be any number of reasons, maybe none related to EMS.

[island emt]

I don't think it's limited to EMS . All public safety providers seem to have a higher than "normal" divorce rate. It can be linked to the hours we work and the stressors of our jobs. What I've seen is that relationships tend to take a back seat to our jobs and we are sometimes unable to leave work at the "office". Whether it's police, fire, EMS, or military we tend to be type A personalities which don't always play well with loved ones.

It definatly needs to have a layer of unquestioned trust between you & your spouse in order for it to survive the rigors of the job.

My wife & I have been married for 34 years through thick & thin days and always managed to believe in each other. We have both been in EMS for the entire time and I was military for 8 years early on in our marriage. I guess ya just have to work at remaining friends first and partners next.

I won't comment on why some folks marriages don't make it , but I do know many that have tried multiple times and don't seem to find the "right mate.

Sorry to hear your having issues. Is it a mutual thing or one sided? It does take two to make it work.

[mandaorton]

The problem that I find is my husband doesn't understand that EMS is not a Monday thru Friday 9-5 job. It also leaves him home with our little one by himself a lot as well. I think that if he had a better understanding of our job then things would go much easier! But I've seen many EMS marriages survive, it just needs a little more work. My father was a firemedic and my parents were married for 16 yrs. It wasnt until my father left the field that the problems began and that was due t him and my mother spending to much time together because they were both use to the life style of an EMS family. I think that any marriage is difficult, but being married to someone that is in EMS can make things harder because of the lack of time spent together and things of that nature! Hang in there! Im sorry to hear of your troubles

[Cookie]

Any marriage takes work. To me it's about understanding, respect and cooperation. Sure some professions do have a profound effect on the marriage, it's all in how each one chooses to deal with it and work with it or around it. I am still working at this marriage, and we have been at it for 36 years, EMS or no EMS.

[Dustdevil]

Most would agree that I am probably the last person you should listen to marriage advice from. :oops:

Most of the time, it would be difficult to try and narrow difficulties down to one particular factor. Except in cases of infidelity, failure is usually the culmination of multiple difficulties snowballing over time. You can sometimes track it down to the root where it all started, but it takes more than fixing that one factor to improve things after things start going wrong.

Interesting theory regarding the sort of person attracted to EMS being predisposed to relationship problems. I think there is something to that. People always talk about fame and fortune driving people to drug and alcohol abuse. I have always postulated that it is actually the opposite. Weak people with a predisposition to self-abuse are simply the type of people who are likely to achieve artistic success. And I am betting that a similar phenomenon applies to many in EMS. While the so-called "rescue personality" has been proven to be nothing more than whackerism by another name, there can be no denying that people of low maturity, intellect, and motivation are attracted to EMS in large numbers. Obviously, all three would be important factors in the success of personal relationships. Consequently, I can see that skewing the numbers of marital failure in the field.

I certainly do not ascribe any of those characteristics to Kaisu though, so while it is a valid theory, I don't think it applies to the current discussion.

One factor that I theorise to be a factor in many relationship failures in EMS might apply though. That is, when someone chooses to enter EMS later in life, when already married, that is naturally going to be a source of friction with the spouse. It is a deal changer. When he married you, I am betting that you were not away from home for 24 to 48 hours at a time. You worked an 8-5, Monday through Friday job that brought you home every evening. Dinner was always on the table. Nobody ever had to go to bed or wake up alone. EMS changes that. And to your spouse, you have chosen your new job over him. That's obviously going to cause problems rather quickly. And it is nearly impossible to fix, because while he feels abandoned by you, you feel unsupported by him, so both parties feel wronged and remain unwilling to budge. This doesn't seem to be a common occurrences in relationships that were forged after joining EMS, or in younger relationships, where the member is likely to move on from EMS eventually anyhow.

Just some random thoughts to ponder.

[akflightmedic]

Is EMS difficult on marriages? or are people that are attracted to EMS also poor marriage material? I'm asking because my third marriage is in trouble. I really don't think its just me, but with this track record I gotta look at the constant - me. Maybe I just pick badly? Any insights, suggestions, tips, etc would be greatly appreciated.

No, I think EMS is a convenient excuse.

--If I may point out, you have been in EMS a few months???? and your 3rd marriage is suffering, so two of those were long gone before EMS entered the picture. The 3rd one may be the fact that like any newbie, you are living and breathing EMS...here is the kicker...it makes you HAPPY. Your spouse may be dealing with his inner fears or insecurities and to see you happy going to work...a lot of people do not understand that concept.

Then, he has to listen to your stories, complaints, gripes even though he does not truly care. Despite the popularity of 911 shows, people do not want to hear about every call we go one, they don't. He then develops more resentment as he can not relate to your stories (and that is all you have now) and you get more resentful because he "just doesn't understand". You then start talking to people who do understand and he starts to either pull more into himself or find a new hobby.

I have said it before and I say it again.

EMS is a job, not a lifestyle.

EMS is what we do, not who we are.

Treat it as such and live life, enjoy life.

[crotchitymedic1986]

I do not claim to be an expert on the matter, but I have been with the same wife for 22 years now. This is the advice I give all newleyweds, and is no way meant to demean or describe your situation Kaisu, as I barely know you, and have never met you.

1. After you get some gray hairs, you will find that you pretty much dated the same person, over and over again, just in a different skin suit. We are all attracted to something, and we tend to follow that attraction. It is subconscious, but if you look at all the guys you dated and married with an objective eye, you will see that they had something in common that drew you to them. Two extreme examples of this is women who date abusers, and women who only date cops (holster sniffers) (I can turn this on men as well; men who only date big-breasted women, or men who only date obese women). But back to the women. Women who date abusers have low self esteem, therefore are attracted to men who will not treat them right. They may encounter good guys along the way, but they are not attracted to them. The same is true of women who only date cops, as they need a daddy or authority figure in their life, and would not be happy with a passive male.

So, you first need to honestly ask yourself, Am I attracted to men who are bad for me ? If you walked into a room that had 100 men in it, 1-2 guys will catch your eye immediately. So what is that attracted you to those 2 guys versus the other 98 ? Is that a good thing or bad ?

2. Communication is the key to a happy marriage and sex life, but most women and men do not communicate well. Here is a common man/woman battle. Wife comes home and wants to talk about her day, husband is in relax mode and just wants to veg-out in front of the TV. His day has been filled with decsion-making acitivities, and now it is peace time. You are not seeking a solution, you just want to vent and be heard. You start venting, now reluctantly he has to switch to "problem-solving" mode, and interupts you with a quick solution to your problem. You didnt want a solution, and you didnt get to vent, so you continue. Husband's brain says, I solved the problem, why is she bitching, why doesnt she accept my solution. The conversation deteriorates.

Get this book, and it will help you decipher each other's languages and communication styles:

http://www.amazon.com/Mars-Women-Venus-Com...s/dp/006016848X

The second communication problem is not resolving past issues. Chances are if you are having a knock-down-drag-out fight over the garbage not being taking out, you are not really argueing about the garbage, but some past unresolved event.

3. See a Counselor. It cant hurt. Marriages are not always rosey, they do take work at times. But if it is more "work" than rosey, it might be time to seek a professionals advice. Doesnt make you crazy or inferior, sometimes you just need a tool to help you do the job better.

PM me anytime.

[akflightmedic]

Holy SH**!!!!

Crochity posted something that was neither inflammatory or offensive and it was something I agree with 100%.

WOW! Kudos man, this is the crochity type quality post that you started with when you joined this site. Keep it up!

[spenac]

I do not claim to be an expert on the matter, but I have been with the same wife for 22 years now. This is the advice I give all newleyweds, and is no way meant to demean or describe your situation Kaisu, as I barely know you, and have never met you.

1. After you get some gray hairs, you will find that you pretty much dated the same person, over and over again, just in a different skin suit. We are all attracted to something, and we tend to follow that attraction. It is subconscious, but if you look at all the guys you dated and married with an objective eye, you will see that they had something in common that drew you to them. Two extreme examples of this is women who date abusers, and women who only date cops (holster sniffers) (I can turn this on men as well; men who only date big-breasted women, or men who only date obese women). But back to the women. Women who date abusers have low self esteem, therefore are attracted to men who will not treat them right. They may encounter good guys along the way, but they are not attracted to them. The same is true of women who only date cops, as they need a daddy or authority figure in their life, and would not be happy with a passive male.

So, you first need to honestly ask yourself, Am I attracted to men who are bad for me ? If you walked into a room that had 100 men in it, 1-2 guys will catch your eye immediately. So what is that attracted you to those 2 guys versus the other 98 ? Is that a good thing or bad ?

2. Communication is the key to a happy marriage and sex life, but most women and men do not communicate well. Here is a common man/woman battle. Wife comes home and wants to talk about her day, husband is in relax mode and just wants to veg-out in front of the TV. His day has been filled with decsion-making acitivities, and now it is peace time. You are not seeking a solution, you just want to vent and be heard. You start venting, now reluctantly he has to switch to "problem-solving" mode, and interupts you with a quick solution to your problem. You didnt want a solution, and you didnt get to vent, so you continue. Husband's brain says, I solved the problem, why is she bitching, why doesnt she accept my solution. The conversation deteriorates.

Get this book, and it will help you decipher each other's languages and communication styles:

http://www.amazon.com/Mars-Women-Venus-Com...s/dp/006016848X

The second communication problem is not resolving past issues. Chances are if you are having a knock-down-drag-out fight over the garbage not being taking out, you are not really argueing about the garbage, but some past unresolved event.

3. See a Counselor. It cant hurt. Marriages are not always rosey, they do take work at times. But if it is more "work" than rosey, it might be time to seek a professionals advice. Doesnt make you crazy or inferior, sometimes you just need a tool to help you do the job better.

PM me anytime.

Quality post so I will forgive you this time for getting our hopes up about you not posting. :wink: Especially point 3. All of us can say what works what we have seen but if you really want to see if marriage 3 can be saved seek out counsel.