Relationships

[EMT155]

Was debating posting this, but figure it can't hurt.

Just looking for other's input on this. My Fiance and i have been together for 7 and a half years. It ain't perfect, but then again, what is. She puts up with me and I love her dearly for that. I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with.

That aside, since I started actually working as an EMT, it seems as though things have gotten rougher. I know I work 60 hours a week at a minimum, but a lot of those hours are overnight, and since we aren't running a dozen calls a night, I generally get my night's sleep in and spend most of the day with her. Her biggest compaint is that my whole attitude on life seems to be changing now and that I don't seem to care any more about much of anything.

Yeah, there's a lot more to it I'm sure, and I am not doing this to air my dirty laundry, but asking others out there in the field a simple question: Is your significant other in the business, and does your work affect your relationship? (OK, that's 2 questions, but I think you get my point here).

My goal with this topic is twofold. 1- obviously I'm trying to figure out if this is just her adjusting to my schedule still, (I've already talked to a therapist about it, so I am taking active steps) and if it's something that is spread across the business and 2- I'd like to get a general idea and work it into a topic in my blog as well.

I'd like to thank any and all who reply to this beforehand. On the vol side, being an officer means I tend to be the one my people come to when they need to talk about something, and I never really thought about this particular topic before, but with the job market where it's at here in the Central NY area, I see more of my people going to full time EMS to earn their paycheck. I know that I'll likely be in this conversation with someone in the not too distant future, and if I can figure it out and smooth my own relationship out, then I can be in a better position to know what they are going through.

Thank you again.

Jim

[rock_shoes]

Just in case you haven't already heard of it, EMS workers can easily catch a very personal form of A.I.D.S. Ambulance Induced Divorce Syndrome. Don't let it get you. A great many good people have lost loved ones to it.

From what you've said thus far it sounds like her biggest issue is that you're more distant emotionally than you were previous to working in EMS. The job can be very draining emotionally. Sometimes we give the job too much and don't have enough left over for the people we love. If you're finding that to be the case pull back enough that you can still show your partner that you love them. A job is a job is a job. Don't lose the people you love to it.

If you can one of the best things I would suggest is learning a new activity together. Maybe take some ballroom dancing classes or start going to the gym together. Show her that the job hasn't become all that you are. Show her the parts of you she fell in love with are still there.

As for being with others who are in the industry, I can honestly say it has both its pitfalls and its advantages. If you're with someone who's in the industry you don't have to explain to them what it means when you say you've had a bad day. You don't have to try and shield them from the fact that a bad day for you means you where unable to keep a young mother alive as she died in front of her three year old. One of the biggest disadvantages is that it's much easier to let the job consume you if your partner is also in the industry.

[HERBIE1]

You don't say what business your fiance is in, but I assume it's not the medical field. This topic has been talked about here many times, but it's one that's important enough to merit another look, IMHO.

Depending on what you did before EMS and for how long, were you 2 involved BEFORE you got into the business? In my opinion, this business DOES change you in some way. Depending on where you work, and what you see, many folks become more cynical, and yes, we often blunt our emotions as simple coping mechanisms to what we see. You note that her complaint is that you do not seem to care about anything anymore. Do you agree with her? Would this be a significant change in your personality vs before? Do you see a problem with that change- if you even agree that it occurred?

We all change over the years- regardless of which profession we choose. Hopefully that change is still compatible with our spouses, but sadly that is not always the case. The problem is, in our business, that change may be more dramatic than in another line of work. A person who is young and idealistic often tends to be more cynical, pragmatic, and.or realistic after doing this for awhile.

Sounds like you 2 need to sit down and have a heart to heart. You may not see a problem with your behavior, but clearly she does.

The easy answer is to not let what you see at work affect you at home-ie what happens at work stays at work. After 30 years, I can tell you that is essentially an impossible task. At some ;level, events of work WILL affect you- whether it be unconscious or not. Think about how we find humor in some pretty gruesome things- gallows humor. Think about what we see. When I first started, I had an old timer tell me the converse- that whatever your problems are at home, leave them at home, because it will affect your ability to do your job, and there is little you can do about it while at work anyway. Again- easier said than done.

I guess relationships are always a lot of work, and maybe because of our business, it's even harder. Tough situation, but I suggest that getting this all out in the open now is better in the long run.

[DwayneEMTP]

... You may not see a problem with your behavior, but clearly she does.

Yeah, I found the above telling, as it appears Herbie did as well, that you said that you have a new job, and you have a new schedule but you think that perhaps it's her that's having a hard time adjusting? I have news for you brother, any time you make a change in your life, you change too. Sometimes you change little, sometimes you change a lot, but you are not the same person you were, not 100%, then before you took the job. Listen to her and find out what it is that she wants and needs and then see if you want to give it to her. That's what relationships are about, right? When my wife Barbara (Babs) tells me that something in our relationship is broken, or that she is unhappy for some reason, I immediately stop what I'm doing and listen, and believe her. She sees me much more clearly than I see myself at times, despite what my penis would have me believe, and she tends to be THE expert on what makes her happy and not, see? So it pays to listen to her...

Babs mentioned to me gently a few times that I seemed distant sometimes when we talked. I didn't feel any different, yet decided to pay more attention and see if she was noticing things I wasn't. And she was. I remember one instance in particular, (My wife is a homemaker, caring for me and my 14 year old autistic son who is home schooled) where she suddenly stopped talking and walked quietly away saying, "I'm sorry, I can see you're not interested in this, I shouldn't be trying to cram it down your throat." The reason it sticks out in my mind is that she was telling me about a tv show, like Oprah, or some such, and the thought going through my mind at that moment was, "Good God! Please! I've been puked on, pissed on, spit at, told a family that their baby is dead and going to stay that way, will you please stop yapping about Oprah!!" I've never felt, and in fact may have never been, a bigger asshole in my life than I was at that moment. And I've been a pretty big asshole at times.

She was good enough while standing by me throughout medic school, she's good enough to shoulder all of our home responsibilities while I run around playing macho medic, but I'm suddenly too good to hear about her day if that involves something interesting she saw on television? Bullshit, right? Do I now want to hear about what's happening on Oprah? Actually I do. Babs is smart, and kind, and sexy, and funny, and the things she wants to talk about are most times smart and interesting. Plus, she needs my time, and even more important, she needs my attention. The world tells our mates that we are something different because we're in this profession. That we're somehow braver, and more competent than meer mortals. Not Godlike like hosemonkeys of course, but somehow better than most. And our mates need to know that we're not buying into that hero bullshit. That we're still husbands, fathers, boyfriends and fiances first, and the rest is work.

Is our job different? Sort of. In most jobs if you had to work 60hrs/wk to make a living you'd tell them to go and fuck themselves. In EMS for some reason most are willing to give up a lot to stay. Me included of course, as I type this from my little FEMA trailer at the end of the world. Is it more stressful? No, I don't believe so, and we need to stop telling ourselves that it is. Even when I've been bloody, or running to the ER with my sphincter chewing big chunks of styrofoam out of the seat Ive not found this job to me worse than many others. I've stressed harder wondering how I was going to get hay up before a big storm, or get a roof on a house before it snowed.

And just a few assides. First, I think that sex makes an awesome barometer for a relationship. If you are spending more time 'working' on your relationship than you are spending getting naked and sweaty, then it IS time to sit down and figure out what's broken. Stop what you're doing right now. Go in and screw your brains out, and THEN talk about what's going on with this new job...You'll both be less defensive, more receptive, less rushed..(.and besides, by the time she's done yapping about all of that you'll be ready to hit it again! Ok, so maybe that was insensitive.) And with that, I swear to God, I have made my one and only incursion into your sex life...

Second, isn't 7 years a long time to be engaged? Isn't it time to shit or get off the pot Mr. Heroic life saving EMT guy???

That's what I've got brother. Like most of my opinions it's likely mostly bullshit, but if you're able to find something in there that resonates with you then maybe it will help.

Dwayne

[Happiness]

And just a few assides. First, I think that sex makes an awesome barometer for a relationship. If you are spending more time 'working' on your relationship than you are spending getting naked and sweaty, then it IS time to sit down and figure out what's broken. Stop what you're doing right now. Go in and screw your brains out, and THEN talk about what's going on with this new job...You'll both be less defensive, more receptive, less rushed..(.and besides, by the time she's done yapping about all of that you'll be ready to hit it again! Ok, so maybe that was insensitive.) And with that, I swear to God, I have made my one and only incursion into your sex life...

Second, isn't 7 years a long time to be engaged? Isn't it time to shit or get off the pot Mr. Heroic life saving EMT guy???

That's what I've got brother. Like most of my opinions it's likely mostly bullshit, but if you're able to find something in there that resonates with you then maybe it will help.

Dwayne

OMG Dwayne its so funny how your penis gets into every conversation lmao, but I totaly agree with the above statement...

Im in the reverse situation as Im the girl and the EMT. My husband has on many occations said Give me sex and I will be happy. I have on many occations taken him up on this and to tell you the truth it works on so many levels...

But funny thing My hosemonkey husband did two shift driving for me in the same day and saw what I really go through in a day of being an EMT. I dont know you are able to take your GF to drive 3rd with one night but it would open her eyes on the stuff you have to deal with on a daily basis.

Good luck with this but to tell you the truth if you were a lawyer you would be going through the same sort of stuff.

[HERBIE1]

Dwayne nailed it. The discussion he had with his wife about listening sounds like similar conversations I have had. Part of the problem is the male/female thing. I am constantly trying to be a good listener and resist the ingrained male urge to fix everything. Because of what we do for a living, that urge is even stronger. Is that what's going on here with EMT155? I don't know.

Although my wife works full time in education, the trials and tribulations of her day are no less stressful than mine- just in a different way. She tried to tell me once that I did not feel her line of work was as worthwhile or important as mine. I understand the idea, but in fact SHE felt that way, not me. I have always maintained that anyone involved in education should be well compensated and deserving of far more respect than they get. She admitted that this was actually the case. Regardless, I still try to be a good listener, but I admit it is not an easy thing to do sometimes. As Dwayne mentioned, sometimes we have a horrible shift, horrible calls, and talking about Oprah or "Can you believe what Tina said to Jessica at the office!" is the last thing we want to hear. Patience, take a breath and LISTEN. Unless specifically asked, do NOT offer a solution- let her vent her spleen.

Again- this is about understanding ourselves and being honest. Are we the type of person we want to be? Have we changed in some way? How do others perceive us, and is this perception different than what we think about ourselves? Am I being a good partner, friend, or parent? How can I be better?

Unfortunately I have major family issues going on right now, so these concepts are all too fresh in my mind.

[EMT155]

Wow....

Thanks guys (and girl ) for your input. I do try not to let the job influence my home life, but you're right, it doesn't always work that way. Honestly, when I started this, I thought it was going to be better because she used to complain about how much time i spent volunteering...... heheh..

There is a lot more going on around the home than I am up for sharing right now, nothing bad per se, just stressful. And Dwayne.... I can't complain in the intimacy side of things. As to the long engagement part, well, that's ind of on both of us as we're waiting until we can do it he way we want to, not the way we have to.

Once she's settled down a bit (and no, sex won't help right this minute) I'm going to try talking to her again (not my strong point admittedly). Although we have found that, as bad as it sounds, email or facebook messages actually work OK for us because there's no shouting or arguing involved.

I still welcome comments and thoughts, and once she and I get through today, I am going to start putting together a blog on it..... probably link to this thread at some point too

Logging out for family time

Jim

[Eydawn]

The hardest words to say in any relationship: "You're right, and I'm sorry." This means actually embracing what your partner is trying to tell you, understanding it on a level where you can validate it, and apologizing for not paying attention sooner.

Basically, listen to what Dwayne said... he's a lot more practiced at this marriage thing than I am. If there's other stuff going on in the home front, make sure you attend to it and that you're not hiding behind the job (especially without realizing that you're doing it!) Also, the simple fact that you work nights may mean that you are in fact more detached than you were before you started pulling a lot of night hours. It messes with your brain (she sez as she sits here at work at 2am) and can really affect you a lot more than you realize it does. Make sure you're getting adequate sleep and nutrition, and you may want to supplement with some Vitamin D- you're not getting as much sun exposure so I'm willing to bet money your D levels are low. Also, if you weren't working 60 hours before and you are now, you can bet your sweet arse it's having an effect on you.

Only you know your situation, and kudos for seeing a counselor to be proactive... and while email/FB may be easier at first, sometimes it's TOO detached, if you know what I mean. There's no substitute for face-to-face interaction IMHO.

In any argument, make sure you're prefacing things with the word "I"... not accusatory "you" statements. I know it sounds dumb. But trust me on this. "I feel like you are having trouble adjusting to my schedule... how do you feel?" instead of "You're just having a hard time adjusting. You'll get over it." Another good way to have an argument: Set a timer. She gets three minutes to just talk without any interruption. Then you get three minutes. This forces you to ACTUALLY LISTEN to what your partner is saying instead of automatically formulating your response to it. One thing I know that bothers me a lot is when I'm having a discussion with the hubs and he starts talking over me (usually when we're arguing something dumb, like whether or not "National Opt Out Day" was a good idea ethically, morally... etc.) That, more than him disagreeing with me, irked me more than anything else.

Good luck to you!

Wendy

CO EMT-B

[firemedic37]

EMS is a difficult career and is even harder for our spouses. They think they understand our job and in reality they have no idea what the job involves. I have had many relationships fail due to the sole reason that I was in EMS, they didn't feel that they got enough emotional support. EMS in extremely draining on any relationship. If they have never been involved in EMS then they have no understanding of it. That is why some of the most successful friendships are the friendships we have among co-workers, they know what EMS is and how it effects us everyday.

I have been blessed with an amazing woman who has blessed me with a beautiful baby girl (she's only 2 months old). Now this is the reason I mentioned my wife. She was a 911 Dispatcher for two years, for those two years she told me where to go and I told her who to call. We only had seen each other a couple times, then she decided that she wanted to take the EMT-B class that I was teaching ...

Now before everyone jumps on me for dating a student, we never dated until after the entire course and I was dared by my Fire Chief to go out with her on just one date. And that was that, she was the last person I dated.

I think our relationship works because she understands EMS and how it effects us both. It is something we both have in common and will continue to do side by side. And maybe just maybe our daughter will join along side of us too.

I know you are having a difficult time, try to explain your job to her and even look into scheduling a ride-along with your service so she sees what you do at work. This may help her understand and respect what you do every day. Hope this helps. I wish you the best.

[island emt]

Some very good thoughts from the other posters above.

Take it from someone who's been married for 36 years,[mostly happily ] and in EMS for 40. this job does bring undo stressors home with you no matter how hard you try to leave them behind.

Whats important to your spouse might seen trivial to you after having a great , or really bad day on the job" BUT to them it needs your undivided attention!

You mention that you mostly work overnights: Is it the sleeping separation that is triggering it ? Does she want you there at night to be the warmth next to her?

Over the years my wife & I have both worked shifts and spent many a night sleeping alone. For some it works , for others not so much. Does she not sleep well when your not there , making her tired and angry about you being away at night?

Relationships take lots of nurturing to make them work over the long haul.

You and she need to decide what's causing the friction in your relationship and work together to remove some of the issues.

My wife currently works second shift as an RN at the local hospital getting home around 1 AM. I try to be awake and able to have a conversation with her , so she can vent and release the stress from her shift even though I need to be up and of of the house at 7 AM. Sure I'll take a little cat nap on the couch while waiting for her to come home , but it makes her happy to be able to unwind with me before going to bed.

It's a two way street that needs both of you you make it work.

Good luck