Happiness Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Well Ladybear it sounds like you have made the decision you need to make. My oldest son went through the school of hard knocks and now he is 25 and making it.He quit school in grade 11 and decided to live with his dad. Well low and behold daddy picked him up at the airport gave him 100 bucks and said make it. (I will never forgive his father for that) My son called me one day from a cardboard box to finally say he needed to come home. I bought his ticket and home he came and so did the crappy attitude that he left with. After he watched all his friends going to thier graduation ceremony (he was watching from the bottle return depot where he was working) he decided he needed his education and went to live with gramma and grampa completed grades 11 and 12 in one year with a 85% average. Sometimes they just need to see the world from a different perspective, but still know that there is someone who loves them unconditionaly = grandparents. I hope you and your son all the best and remember there are always others in this world who have done the same thing and will be there to help you. Happiness Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Plain Ruff Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 So after talking to a variety of folks, many who know my family and the ENTIRE situation, I have made the decision that my son will indeed go to his grandparents. I feel that this will be in his best interests at this time. The biggest stipulation will be that he attend school and if at any time he starts to act with them like he has with me, or he gets into legal trouble up there he will immediately be returned too me. No if/ands/or buts about it. If I find out that my ex is hanging out there, the law will be notified and my son returned to me. There is a legal injunction against him being around the child. One person on here referred to the possibility of me badmouthing my ex around my child all the time. I choose not to even speak of him if I can. Instead of being a parent he chose to do drugs and ultimately got both children hooked on them. Can I call someone like that a person or a parent? I personally have trouble thinking of someone like that as even being human. Humans don't do that to children and parents even less. Just my opinion to which I am entitled. Ladybear, my hats off to you. But that person is not a father if he gets his kids hooked on drugs, he's simply a sperm donor. I'll pray for you and your son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I choose not to even speak of him if I can. Instead of being a parent he chose to do drugs and ultimately got both children hooked on them. Can I call someone like that a person or a parent? I personally have trouble thinking of someone like that as even being human. Humans don't do that to children and parents even less. Just my opinion to which I am entitled. You picked him - chose him to be the father of your children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happiness Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 So before this link turns into something hurtful to someone who came to the city for advice on "Sending an unruly child to live with the grandparents" I personally think Kaisu that you went completely off topic and have tried to make this parent think she is doing something wrong. Ladybear came here for support not to be put down. I to never said anything bad about my sons father and yes they did make their own opinion of him. Then again he didn't get them hooked on drugs either and if he had my children would have heard many things putting him down on a regular basis. You owe her an aplology in my opinion. happy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eydawn Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Kaisu? People change. A person can be amazing until something in them changes... and they take a wrong path. We see it all the time in EMS... and most people don't actively CHOOSE a screwed-up person as a mate, but choose a mate and then realize the screwed up parts... I agree... I think it was off topic. Ladybear... good luck, and I am praying that all goes well for you! Wendy CO EMT-B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaser Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 ...Right now I have full custody of him, with a stipulation in the custody orders that I maintain a residence in the current county I live in unless authorized to move elsewhere or have written permission from his father to do so... If there was not this residency stipulation, would you consider moving to Oregon together? It sounds as though there is a lot of history and hard times with this ex of yours. However, I think you can go through the courts and use this history to make changes to your custody orders, even if the father tries to fight it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I'm not saying she did anything wrong. The lady wrote in to ask for advice. Something is going wrong in her relationship with her son. He is expressing a great deal of anger, a lot of it directed toward her. Often, it's because she is the parent that is there - the one the child feels safest expressing his anger towards because deep down he/she knows that parent will always love them. The child is identifying with the parent that he/she feels has the most power. As long as the OP persists in the thought stream that this no-goodnik did her and her children wrong, she is misdirecting her energies. The frustration and anger her son feels is due at least to some part in this dynamic. She needs to take her power back. I may have been blunt, but if you think I owe the OP an apology, then you have misunderstood me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letmesleep Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 I'm going to agree with Kaisu on this one. The statement put out there wasn't an insult to the OP. There may have been some misunderstanding on if the OP was verbalizing her feelings about the father in this situation, but the point (as I see it) that is trying to be made is that all the anger towards this "so-called father"/ "sperm donor" may be getting used incorrectly. The energy being used to hate this person should be focused on this child who sounds lost right now, both because he is a teenager and because he sounds to be very angry at someone or something. I also understand Kaisu to be saying that this child needs some "tough love". If this were my child and I got a text message stating FU in any form, the phone would no longer exist. It sounds to me that Kaisu's advice isn't to far off, blunt, yes, but refocusing the anger involved here (towards this childs father) in to a positive for your son may help! I didn't feel as if there was a finger being pointed, just some advice that was asked for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happiness Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 The apology was for the statement You picked him - chosed him to be the father of your children, not the advise. That statement sounds like well its her fault from the very beginning just because she had his kids. Maybe he was a great guy at that time maybe not it just sounded snotty to me. And im sorry to say there are those kids and I had one that think the world owes them something and short of beating the snot out of them there is nothing a parent could do. I was so thankful when my parents took charge of him that is what families are for. Now my son realizes after living on his own that he was an ass and has even appologied to us for the attitude. Also our society is a part of the blame as we as parents have been taught that we must give our kids more than what we had. This is something that came from the depression era and it was a goal then but now it has gone overboard. happy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 The statement "you picked him" was intended to rock the OP out of her victim stance. The fact is, she has control over her life. Now he may have changed, she may have changed, but "you picked him" is intended to direct responsibility back onto her shoulders. Note that I said responsibility not blame. The fact is she did pick him. Its the truth. And if she examines why she picked him, and honestly addresses her own part in the process, than growth and thus change is inevitable. She is getting nowhere blaming the ex whether it is true or half true or not. This is irrelevant and only useful insomuch as it illuminates her own actions and motivations. If she does not change the way she views herself and thus her relationship with her son, then nothing meaningful will change either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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