First post. Looking for a place to vent. Been a paramedic for 11 years in the Portland, Oregon area. Work for a very large national ambulance company who shall go unnamed but whose initials rhyme with lay-en-bar. I loved this job when I started, and loved it for many years. It was magical. Every person I helped, every diabetic woken up with D50, every SVT treated with adenocard, every severe respiratory pt treated with RSI, every CHFer treated with ntg / lasix, every trauma rushed straight to the OR, I glowed. Every time someone thanked me, or told me that they appreciated me, I was happy I chose this profession. It has been one wild ride. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
But everyone knows this job has consequences. Several years ago, I responded to a co-worker who had passed away, and worked the code. I pronounced my friend, FTO, and co-worker dead at the scene. Whilst doing my best, I could not save one of my own. I don't think I have ever recovered from this trauma. That, coupled with holding dead babies, wading in human filth for 11 years, and seeing the general carnage, violence, waste, and human suffering that one witnesses while working as a medic, I think I am reaching the breaking point.
I drink too much, am prone to eating binges, drinking binges, cocaine binges, and sloth binges. Generally, I want to do nothing. Sometimes I think there is nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I start crying for no reason, or start crying when I hear a sad song. Recently, I found myself crying (quite a lot) over the HBO miniseries "The Pacific", about the horrific WW2 campaign against Japan, and all the PTSD that one of the main characters had. I've been diagnosed by mental health people with PTSD before, but hadn't given it much thought, subscrbing to our professions' unfortunate "tough guy" syndrome. But tonight, sitting here remembering 11 years of pain and suffering, I realize that I have been carrying some serious emotional baggage. Tonight has been sort of a wake up call to me, and I am looking for some catharsis. Is there any one out there who is feeling the same way? Am i alone in feeling that this job is slowly eating away at my soul?