I have been a paramedic for 8 years now,,I work for a very busy company. I have lost many patients during my time in the field,some of them I remember like it was yesterday,some of them I don't remember at all.
Not just anyone can do this job,we walk a fine line between reality and crazy I think. You have to do the job the best you can and you cant take it home with you. You have to be able to find humor as well. The best part is I have my fellow paramedics I can turn too,they all understand how it feels to lose a patient,to save one,the frustrations that come with this job,if it weren't for them I wouldn't have lasted this long.Burn out is big where I am at,,shifts are long and the call volume is high,the pay sucks and it doesnt look like it is going to get any better anytime soon... Why am I still here,,I love my job,I like making the difference.
One of the hardest loses I have had came only a few weeks ago. Pickup truck versus logging truck,,not a pretty site. He was only 46 yrs old,his son was 14 and was in the truck with him,,we were able to get the son out right away and sent him to the hospital in our other unit...I was with this man for over an hour,,he was trapped in his truck,never thought we would get him cut out of that mess. It was dark,cold,glass everywhere. Did all I could for him while we were tring to cut him out,IV's going,most of the bleeding controlled,o2..most of him was entangled in the metal and we couldn't treat it..He was scared and was talking to me,I knew his name,he asked for mine,I kept him updated with his sons progress. I knew it was very bad,but allowed myself to think he was going to make it..I even started thinking heck,he has lasted this long(over an hour)with extrication.Got him loaded,everything else done enroute to the hospital. 20 mins transfer to hospital,,he was still talking to me,asking about his son. Make it all the way into the trauma room,move him to the ER stretcher,,telling Dr.s all what we have..HE CODED...They worked the code for about 30 mins..I am still standing there in disbelief..
After it was called I went outside to help my partner fix our truck,,I grabbed an IV bag and threw it as far as I could,,I was so mad,,crying the whole time..I didn't know him before that time,but to me it became personal..I had spent almost two hours with this man and lost him anyways..I even asked myself Why am I doing this???? I don't usually get attached to my patients,,you cant afford to do that...I was even thinking,if you are going to die,,don't talk to me just let me do my job(see what lack of sleep can do to you) Not 40 mins later we get another call,,a 4 yr old,something lodged in his throat,,poor little thing is blue and listless,,I made the difference for him...He will be going home to his family.Now I know why I am doing this.....
Sometimes you just cant make the difference but you have to be able to tell yourself you did your very best. Thank god there are others out there that understand this,,if it were not for them I would not be able to make that difference.