owley medic

[align=center:7b08a23fef]EMS DEDICATION This is dedicated to the Men and Women of the Emergency Medical Services. No job is more stressful, frustrating, physically demanding or emotional draining then working in EMS. But, then again, no job is more rewarding then seeing a person walk away from hospital free from the effects of a spinal injury, watching the colour return to the face of a non breathing child or participating in the miracle of birth. [/align:7b08a23fef]

[align=center]The First Law of EMS: All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time. Corollary 1 - Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat. Corollary 2 - Always order food "to go". The Paramedical Laws of Time: 1 - There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift. 2 - Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 1900, your last run will come in at 1859. The Paramedical Law of Gravity: Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible. The Paramedical Law of Time and Distance: The distance of the call from the hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases. Corollary 1 - The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction. The Paramedical Rule of Random Simultaneity: Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once. The Rule of Respiratory Arrest: All patients, for whom Mouth-to-Mouth Resuscitation must be provided, will have just completed a large meal of barbecue and onions, garlic pizza, and pickled herring, which was washed down with at least three cans of beer. The Axiom of Late-Night Runs: If you respond to any motor vehicle accident call after midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking - somebody is still missing. The Law of Options: Any patient, when given the option of either going to jail or going to the hospital by a police officer, will always be inside the ambulance before you are. Corollary 1 - Any patient who chooses to go to jail instead of the hospital probably knows your driver. The First Rule of Equipment: Any piece of lifesaving equipment will never malfunction or fail until: 1-You need it to save a life. 2-The salesman leaves. The Second Rule of Equipment: Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will, and self-starters won't. The First Law of Ambulance Driving: No matter how fast you drive the ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, unless you pass a police cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Paramedical Rules of the Bathroom: If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a bathroom. If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received. If you have not just gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it. The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom. The Basic Principle for Dispatchers: Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption. Basic Assumption About Dispatchers: Given the opportunity, any dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be. Corollary 1 - The existence or nonexistence of any given location is of only minor importance to the dispatcher. Corollary 2 - Any street designated as a "cross-street" by a dispatcher probably isn't. Corollary 3 - If a street name CAN be mispronounced, a dispatcher WILL mispronounce it. Corollary 4 - If a street name CANNOT be mispronounced, a dispatcher WILL mispronounce it. Corollary 5 - A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible (e.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center) The First Principle of Triage: In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient. /align]

When the Lord made Paramedics, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? A paramedic has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark, dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his uniform." " He has to be able to lift 3 times his own weight, crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move, and console a grieving mother as he is doing CPR on a baby he knows will never breath again." "He has to be in top mental condition at all times, running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs of hands." The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way." "It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "It's the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have." "That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as he's drawing blood and asks the patient they may be HIV positive, " (When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.) "Another pair here in the side of his head for his partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say, "You'll be all right ma'am when he knows it isn't so." "Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow." "I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk out from behind a steering wheel without incident and feed a family of five on a private service paycheck." The angel circled the model of the paramedic very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked. "You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses; recite drug calculations in it's sleep; intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear...and still it keeps it's sense of humor. This medic also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with a multi-victim trauma, coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door, comfort a murder victim's family, and then read in the daily paper how paramedics were unable to locate a house quickly enough, allowing the person to die. A house which had no street sign, no house numbers, no phone to call back." Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the paramedic. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model." "That's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear." "What's the tear for?" asked the angel. "It's for bottled-up emotions, for patients they've tried in vain to save, for commitment to that hope that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for life." "You're a genius," said the angel. The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there,"

I think there may be a thread some where else on this topic but I can't find it. If any one is interested in trading EMS Crests PM me and we can exchange addresses.