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bethea

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Posts posted by bethea

    Merry Christmas

    in Funny Stuff

    Posted

    :A Christmas Story

    'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

    He cussed at the elves and threw down his list.

    Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

    I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

    I've busted my arse for damn near a year,

    Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

    The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

    The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

    Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

    Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

    And just when I thought that things would get better

    Those arseholes from the A.T.O. sent me a letter,

    They say I owe taxes--if that ain't funny

    Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

    And the kids these days--they all are the pits

    They want the impossible--Those mean little sh*Ts

    I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

    Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

    I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

    They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

    Flying through the air...dodging the trees

    Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

    I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

    I'll sit on my fat arse and draw unemployment.

    There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

    I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season :lol:

    Dad at the mall

    in Funny Stuff

    Posted

    [/font:89c6f69ff3]DAD AT THE MALL.

    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at

    him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

    Things heard around the hospital

    in Funny Stuff

    Posted

    [/font:244eb1940a] [/cJust thought you'd enjoy these...

    ACTUAL SENRENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

    1.She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    2. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

    4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

    6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

    7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

    8. The patient refused autopsy.

    9. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

    10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

    11. Patient's medical history has been remarkable with only a 40-pound weight-gain in the past three days.

    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

    15. She is numb from her toes down.

    16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

    17. The skin was moist and dry.

    18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-sized thyroid.

    21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

    22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation. (pupils?)

    24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stokebroker.

    27. Skin: somwhat pale but present.

    28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

    30. Large brown stool ambulating down the hall.

    31. Patients has two teen-aged children, but no other abnormalities.

    olor] :lol:

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