Pooping at work...

[DwayneEMTP]

The Official Survival Guide to Taking A Dump at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to

convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those

who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a

dump at work.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and

check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave

and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People

may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the

bathroom.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not

in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it

came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell

has left your pants.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden

wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge

it .Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter

in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.

It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes

both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.

This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has

left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just

occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the

water.This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend

that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be

avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You

will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a

newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the

office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping

goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where

you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of

the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex

entering the bathroom

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this

occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way

you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you

are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is

very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

Burglars that you are occupying a stall This will all doubt that the

stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the

toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the

toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough

with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the

mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to

relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the

bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom

attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part

of life.

[Connie31079]

Ha ha ha!!! I'm an out-of-the-closet pooper! I bring my magazine to the bathroom with me, but always offer to my co-workers the ability to "go pee" before I get in there, and "peel the paint off the walls".

[Katee]

...and this is why I'm glad we have two seperate bathrooms here... each only have one toilet...

ummm don't you know though, girls don't poop? :shock:

[Scaramedic]

You forgot the WMD, the load that is so bad it renders the bathroom unsafe for human habitation for hours. Maybe days if Taco Bell was involved.

Peace,

Marty

[Connie31079]

Girls don't poop? Don't tell that to my co-workers, they'd beg to differ! They make me bring in my own can of deoderant spray when I come to work! LMAO!!

[itku2er]

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[johntiger10]

I must be an escapee, one day I was in a public rest room and 2 young children came up to my left to use a urinal, while I was peeing i let one rip and these two kids just looked at each other and started to laugh out loud. It was quite relieving but because I saw the two kids laughing, it seemed just that much funnier. I laughed for about 20 mins. and then snickered for about another 20 mins. after that.

[Britpara]

I like to let one rip just after ive got into bed..

Then pull the covers over my wifes head and pin 'em down!!!

[WestSideBorderPatrol]

I like to let one rip just after ive got into bed..

Then pull the covers over my wifes head and pin 'em down!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing

You dutch oven your wife!!! :sign5: I just about peed when i read that

[thegoodone527]

My base only has one bathroom and I always make sure there is spray in there because some of the guys that poop there can really peel paint off the walls man. YIKES!!!!!