Jump to content
spenac

Lets get this party started! Post something here so we know you're alive!

Recommended Posts

make the world go round

pg 77

Edited by island emt

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(Stolen)

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

______________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

___________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

______________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

___________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

______________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_____________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

____________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

______________________________


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stolen or not:: thats how the fight started.

Woman asked her husband if this dress made her look fat:; He answered <> No your big arse does though:::

thats how the fight started.

Woman walks in the house to find her husband watching the victoria's secret show on the tube.

She asks why he doesn't look at her the same way:::

He answers , because you haven't looked like that in twenty years.

That's how the fight started.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mentally and Physically exhausted. I need to be put down.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In court...

"Mr Jones, you state you didn't claim injuries to the Sheriff's Deputy at the time of the accident, yet now, 3 months later, you're claiming a broken leg and other minor injuries from that same accident. Please tell the court why you delayed making the claims?"

"Your Honor, it's simple, actually. When I swerved to avoid that deer in the road, my car and horse trailer went off the road, and both overturned. My horse, Jupiter, was hurt bad, as I could hear him screaming in pain. Deputy Simpson must have seen the accident, as she arrived only seconds later. She went to the trailer first, saw Jupiter and his injuries, pulled her sidearm and put my horse out of his misery. Then she over to me, with the gun still in her hand, and asked if I had any injuries. How do you think I was going to answer?"

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In this, the land of "only open from Memorial Day to Labor Day", you can get damn near anything, 24/7.

Do you know what you cannot purchase, at 0430, on Independence Day?

Blue Star Ointment. It's bad. REALLY BAD. I may cry. I thought it was from the heat. I was WRONG. VERY F**KING WRONG. HOLY M************ **** ****BALLS BATMAN...was I wrong.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

0315 Truck into tree call . Of course we get there truck had gone airborne plowed a bunch of gravel in the roadside ditch and landed 50 yards down in the woods wrapped around a big tree/

Of course we get there and no occupant to be found. Motors off doors are locked and operator has gone into hiding somewhere until they sober up.

Hell of a time to get woke up.

Edited by island emt

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...