How do you deal with death?

[Vorenus]

I guess dealing with the family/friends of the patient is in most cases more stressful than dealing with the dead person itself, especially when it comes to children.

[fakingpatience]

I guess dealing with the family/friends of the patient is in most cases more stressful than dealing with the dead person itself, especially when it comes to children.

I agree. Working a code, or going to a DOA really doesn't bother me. But seeing and hearing the family grieve when they hear their loved one is dead gets to me worse than anything else. Talking about the incident with my partners helps me, and having partners who can still make jokes and make light of things (not in front of the family of course, and still being respectful), liking singing "start your day with a DOA..." helps. Usually I depersonalize the incident completely, which is why it is harder for me to see the family, or if there is something in the newspaper about the person who died, I usually try to avoid seeing it.

[KyleKIR]

It's been a couple years since I've posted that first post and I just want to say THANKS for all the replies. I'm reading some now even for the first time because I've been away from this forum for so long. 2 years ago I was interested in emergency medicine and getting an education in it. I'm a bit older now (obviously), have taken EMT-Basic and understand some things better now than I did then.

Its kinda interesting too, to read back 2 years ago and look back on my thoughts and how I felt when writing that, and to see how much I've learned and changed since then.

[DFIB]

I have come to a simple conclusion regarding the death of a patient. People die. Sometimes they die in front of us. Once I understood this simple concept dealing with death has become much simpler.

[DwayneEMTP]

Hey Kyle, good to see you back! And thanks for revisiting this thread! It does my heart good to see you do that.

I once went and revisited some of my old threads, but it was too painful. I was even more idiotic then than I am now, only I had NO clue then....But, it's good to see the changes, right?

[chappy]

As most people have said, there are many ways of dealing with the pain and stress of someone dying.

Some claim they feel nothing. I am going to say this: if you are at the point where you feel nothing when someone dies, you need some help and you probably don't need to be in EMS.

Second, some resort to various anesthetics. Alcohol (and other drugs) do not help anyone deal with the pain. They are simply anesthetics. They numb the pain. The pain will continue to exist until it is dealt with. When people numb that pain with alcohol, it will come home to them. There will be a day when they must deal with the pain. Often, as the medic accrues more deaths, the pain will grow. As the pain grows, more anesthetics are required. The cycle is a vicious one. Before long, that medic is dependent upon their anesthetics. We all know anesthetics are not a cure. They are not the answer for the emotional pain.

So, to answer the question - I don't know that I can. All I can tell you is that you have to find your way to actually deal with the pain and not merely mask it.

[medicgirl05]

I have to agree that the hardest part about death for me is notification. I think that may be my least favorite part of the job...It is so hard to tell someone that their husband of 60 years is dead...or their child committed suicide...

You never know how a family will react...some get violent, some get angry, some blame us, and some are just sad and thankful that we came. You can never know how family will take the news and that is very hard to adjust to. The first time I told someone about a death I thought it would get easier to do with time, 7 years later I am learning that it doesn't get easier, at least in my experience.

[Emergency Laughter]

Kyle,

First, you handled your friends dog being euthanized well. I think you were looking at the situation clinically and that's why you weren't very emotional. If that was the case, then you experienced what we experience a lot of the time.

You helped your friend tremendously by being there. Remember, you don't have to say much, words are often inadequate anyway. Just being there for them, that's the ticket.

Your questions:

1.How do you guys deal with deaths on the job?

You do your job. Death is a part of that job. You do what you are trained to do.

Seeing a lot of death can and will change you profoundly though. You think about it, talk about it, reason and rationalize, form your own opinions and beliefs, develop your own personal way of dealing with it, and then you pack it away in a nice safe place...because here comes another one.

Personally, how I deal with death? I drink 7 or 8 big bottles of booze, spike my hair with grease and run naked across the field in sports stadiums filled with people. I've found that trying to outrun 10 or 20 cops is a good physical outlet for my stress. And...BONUS...when they taze you, you sober right up and there's no hangover. But hey, that's just me, Everyone needs to find their own ways of dealing.

(Now, of course I'm kidding, I never go anywhere naked. But it's EMS lesson #42. You cannot take yourself, or life, too seriously. You gotta have a sense of humor. If you don't, nobody will want to work with you and you won't be around long.

2.Do you cry on scene if someone dies? Maybe a young kid.

NO. I usually waited until late at night, when I'm all alone. Oh, and it has to be dark, because I make some really stupid weird faces when I cry. You have to let your emotions out.

3.Have you cried on scene?

NO. If I ever started choking up, I shut it down hard and fast. If you're thinking so much about what's going on that it's making you want to cry...then you're not busy enough, you're not doing your job, not focused on patient care enough, staying 20 steps ahead of everyone else. Like my Dad used to say, "I'll give you something to cry about!"

4.Are you allowed to cry or tear up anyways... on scene or in the back of the ambulance when dealing with patients?

Allowed? If your partners and people you work with don't understand that having leaky eyes is natural, it's healthy and at some point everyone needs to let it out, then there's something wrong with them.

Don't get me wrong, if someone is sobbing and blubbering all over 3 or 4 times a week, then, yea, I think they need to wee wee wee themselves all the way into another profession.

Good questions Kyle. Thank you for asking.

Death and taxes Kyle, death and taxes.

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[HARDCORE CAP]

How do you guys deal with deaths on the job?

Do you cry on scene if someone dies? Maybe a young kid.

Have you cried on scene?

Are you allowed to cry or tear up anyways... on scene or in the back of the ambulance when dealing with patients?

eh, personally i continually run the call through my head and ask what i could have done better and why the pt coded.

i haven't cried yet but most of the emotion i've felt has been for the family of the deceased

in my book, you are definitely allowed to cry on scene during a highly emotional call but people can't emotionally fly off the handle. you've got a job to do and you need to stay on top of it. I'm one of the types where when i become emotionally overwhelmed my mind turns into a blank slate and i miss things. I've learned to step back (not physically lol), take a deep breath, and re-evaluate but i'll still run into that issue every once in a while

[Brotherlog63]

This was one of the parts of this job i was so worried about when i started. I have Seen many dead people and i wouldnt doubt that i will see another in the next week. The first is always the hardest. i can still remember the scene. in fact i can remember all of the dead people that i have seen. it is almost as there are picture just burned in my mind. I cried for a while after seeing my first dead person. i most definately had nightmares and for a long time too. I will be the first to admit that after some calls you have to break down and cry or call a loved one to vent about what you have just seen. does it get easier? Yes it does. it almost becomes second nature. it jsut doents change the fact that we are all human and that the smell always seems to linger with the mental images. sometimes a joke or too may help to lighten the mood. but somethings jst dont go away.

about a month ago i resonded to a possible suicidal attempt with a male stiign on the edge of a 15 story building. we arrived on location to set up at the staging area. our response couldnt have been more than five minutes. we set up all our gear next to the police sargent and look to the southeast corner of the building where you could see a male sitting on the roof with his feet hanging over the edge. he was swinging them like there was nothign wrong. like a giddy school-kid. our city police dpet was climbing the fire escape to speak with him. they were about half way up. our fire dept had an engine on location. the guy began to slowly inch foreward towards the ledge. he never uttered a word. he just slid to the edge and let himself fall. ill never forget watching that man fall to the ground. the earsplitting sound when he hit the ground. the way his body bounced when it hit the parking lot. i will never forget any of that scene. walking with much haste while thinking "what could i even do for him at this point". knowing that there was nothing that i can do was and still is the hardrest part of that call. we are supposed to be there to help people or as the public see us to "save people". but when it comes down too it, there was nothing anybody can do.

even a month later, i still have to live with the horror that i whitnessed that day. i have to relive every grusome and disgusting murder scene, every stabbing, every shooting, every serious trauma i have ever been on. there are days where i sit and wonder how i do it. how is it that i can seem so normal on the outside?

when it comes down too it, we as providers to the people involved in the worst events of their lives need to come together to support eachother in our times of need. talking with eachother and learnign coping skills from co-workers is one of the best ways to help. supressing the events never helps anything. the more that you sit and think about what happened, the more it eats at you. sometimes even counsiling or de-briefing helps. we as providers shouldnt be afraid to speak out for help. it is always there in one form or another.

my apologizies for the long post. i do hope that this opens a window into the horrors that we in this buisness deal with everyday.

- Brotherlog63