My question is, was this your scheduled shift off? If it was then you can't truly blame yourself, we can't be everywhere all the time. As care providers we do need "me" time occasionally. I tried that life once where you show up to everything whether on shift or not and it can have a negative effect on you and your family in time. I also agree with the above posters in that it may be time to seek professional help dealing with this, both for your sake and that of your family's. Since I don't know all the details I won't claim to know what you are feeling but I will say stay strong and good luck with this.