What I remember most about my first peds call is how I walked over, walked around, knelt next to, ran a full code on this child, and it wasn't until we were walking out of the house with him did I notice his nationality. That made me think back to every code I could remember and I realized I can't recall any of their faces.
I'll tell you what I'll never forget. The screams his parents let out when they were notified he wasn't coming back.
I don't have time to think about being sad while on a code, im so busy, like I said, I barely even look at their faces other than a quick look for trauma, intubated and pupils. I don't look for the sake of remembering. Am I cold and heartless? Maybe to some people. But I guess I've developed my way of dealing with this, and I can say death does not bother me in the least.
What does bother me is the families. I can probably recall every time I've had to give families a death notice. I remember their faces, the screams, the anger. I've sat with them through the shock (probably longer than I had to in most cases) I've held their hand, and I remember every one of their faces. That is the hardest part for me. I can usually control my emotions afterwards, until the one time my parter told me it was ok to cry, where I busted into tears and cried like a baby. But WOW did it ever feel good!
It's not the dead I cry for, their suffering is over. It's the living who have to keep on living with this hole in their lives that I greave for.