As some of you know, it has been a long time since I have really been here in the city... and to be honest, I have been avoiding it, mostly in shame.

In 2009, I started paramedic classes... I loved it, even though juggling a not-so-stable home life, running my own business, and being guardian and sometimes caregiver for my mom was sometimes a challenge. I did well in my classes, and was looking forward to my practicums.

In 2010, two tours into my practicum, my mom became acutely ill, and within 3 days, I had to make the decision to remove her from life support and explain it to the rest of my family.

As I was not allowed to take time off from my practicum, I withdrew for a year, as was required by the college. I went back in 2011, and struggled through my first practicum. I felt my preceptors weren't being the mentors I wanted. When I asked for clarification, they said "look it up." When I asked for them to quiz me on medications, they said "later." Although they signed off on all my skills and competencies, at the end of my practicum, they informed me that they were not going to pass me to go on to my next practicum because "you are not sociable enough." Not with patients, but with other staff... they said I studied too hard and didn't spend enough time having coffee with staff (WTF???). They also refused to complete the final evaluation, so I was in limbo..

I contacted the college numerous times to see what my options were, without getting a response. Finally I appealed to the Dean and President of the college. Instead of accepting my completed competencies, I was required to re-do that practicum AGAIN.

I did not perform well. I was frustrated, and I struggled. I lost focus, I was making dumb mistakes. One of the staff where I was doing my practicum told me that my preceptor had been told by the college to make my practicum as difficult as possible, so I would leave, because I had embarassed them by appealing my previous practicum.

I couldn't do it... I gave up and withdrew... I failed in my attempt to be a medic, something I always wanted... and in the year since then, every day I wake up and hate the fact that I didn't make it. I hate that medics I work with tell me that I should be a medic, that I am better than half the medics out there, and yet I couldn't do it. I hate that I wasted all that time and money, and have nothing to show for it. I hate that there are people who I thought were really good friends, who haven't spoken to me since I left school. I should have fought harder. I should have done better. I should have been successful...

I stalk this site, and read the posts.... and think "I have nothing to add... " so I don't..

I am not posting this for sympathy... I don't want sympathy... I am posting so those that asked, know why I am not here anymore. I don't think I have anything to contribute... and until I figure out how to regain that confidence, I won't. I won't go back to school - I can't afford it, and on the positive side, my business has really expanded in the last year, and I still work casual on an ambulance, so that helps keep me busy.

Be safe all...