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To my brother

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Kaisu

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In my head, I understand the reasons why you did what you did. I have been there many times myself. Parts of me admire the fact that you had the guts to do it and then I get so sad that you felt that was the only option you had.

Dammit! Why didn't you just pass out? I know you have a million times before.

I wish you would have told me goodby. You told other people (in your own way) and you acted like you didn't even have a sister. I know we haven't really talked in years, but you were my twin brother. We were together in the womb. You have always been in my world. I don't understand why you waited till I got to town and then killed yourself without ever contacting me.

Was it my fault because I didn't call you right away? I think it might be less painful to believe that I had something to do with your decision than to accept the fact that for you, I didn't even exist.

Have you any idea of the wreckage you left behind? You think your life was a mess. Your death was way worse. I worry about our little brother. Yeah, he's 44 years old but he's the one that got to clean out your place. He's got the cap with the .22 hole in it. He dragged bags and bags of your shit out of your house. He's also paying off your credit card bills because he wants to keep that pile of crap you called a house and build a legacy.

How about our 82 year old mother. You treated her like shit and yeah - you had your reasons, but I was the one holding her as she wailed by your coffin.. you heartless son of a bitch.

I love you so much... and I am so mad at you. I already forgive you and I miss you

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I love you Kaisu.

It's a perfect post. The love and hate that must be fighting in your head and your spirit. The justly deserved anger at odds with the need to take responsibility and all the while remember that this was a senseless act in the most accurate definition of the term, visited on an amazing, though lost, man.

I wish I could bring you peace on this, but I know that it's a battle that you have to fight mostly alone.

You've done so many times before, and have always found the honest, kind, optimistic tinted with sarcasm way to continue on...I know that you will do so again here.

When we talked the other day I had the strangest thought. That hearing you laugh, and cuss and just be you brightened my whole day, it just filled it with a whole new, better, energy.

But I actually thought, "You can't let her do this! She needs that energy right now, she doesn't have it to waste on you." Silly of course...But even my subconscious brain is worried about you sometimes.. :-)

Good on you for using your hard won tools and reaching out to your friends here when you needed to. I think you'd be surprised to discover how well loved and respected you are here. So if you've not figured it out for yourself yet you'll just have to take my word for it. You know it's not my way to blow smoke up your ass. (weird term, right?)

And lets not wait so long to talk again, ok? There's something missing in my life when you're not in it. I don't know that many freaks, I need my fix...

Ok, so that's all the sappy, sentimental bullshit you're getting from me today. So sack up, (Snatch up?) and get on with the getting on with life...Like you've always done...

Dwayne

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WE love you Kaisu.

I so wish I could hold you in my arms to hold and don't blame yourself, and never ask the question WhY... it was the first lesson in EMS that I learned .. Thank you Gwen MacDonald REMT-P .

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