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Annie is wandering unsupervised again...

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As some of you know, it has been a long time since I have really been here in the city... and to be honest, I have been avoiding it, mostly in shame.

In 2009, I started paramedic classes... I loved it, even though juggling a not-so-stable home life, running my own business, and being guardian and sometimes caregiver for my mom was sometimes a challenge. I did well in my classes, and was looking forward to my practicums.

In 2010, two tours into my practicum, my mom became acutely ill, and within 3 days, I had to make the decision to remove her from life support and explain it to the rest of my family.

As I was not allowed to take time off from my practicum, I withdrew for a year, as was required by the college. I went back in 2011, and struggled through my first practicum. I felt my preceptors weren't being the mentors I wanted. When I asked for clarification, they said "look it up." When I asked for them to quiz me on medications, they said "later." Although they signed off on all my skills and competencies, at the end of my practicum, they informed me that they were not going to pass me to go on to my next practicum because "you are not sociable enough." Not with patients, but with other staff... they said I studied too hard and didn't spend enough time having coffee with staff (WTF???). They also refused to complete the final evaluation, so I was in limbo..

I contacted the college numerous times to see what my options were, without getting a response. Finally I appealed to the Dean and President of the college. Instead of accepting my completed competencies, I was required to re-do that practicum AGAIN.

I did not perform well. I was frustrated, and I struggled. I lost focus, I was making dumb mistakes. One of the staff where I was doing my practicum told me that my preceptor had been told by the college to make my practicum as difficult as possible, so I would leave, because I had embarassed them by appealing my previous practicum.

I couldn't do it... I gave up and withdrew... I failed in my attempt to be a medic, something I always wanted... and in the year since then, every day I wake up and hate the fact that I didn't make it. I hate that medics I work with tell me that I should be a medic, that I am better than half the medics out there, and yet I couldn't do it. I hate that I wasted all that time and money, and have nothing to show for it. I hate that there are people who I thought were really good friends, who haven't spoken to me since I left school. I should have fought harder. I should have done better. I should have been successful...

I stalk this site, and read the posts.... and think "I have nothing to add... " so I don't..

I am not posting this for sympathy... I don't want sympathy... I am posting so those that asked, know why I am not here anymore. I don't think I have anything to contribute... and until I figure out how to regain that confidence, I won't. I won't go back to school - I can't afford it, and on the positive side, my business has really expanded in the last year, and I still work casual on an ambulance, so that helps keep me busy.

Be safe all...


I am boycotting Mother’s Day this year.

This year, I have been dreading Mother’s Day more than I usually do. I see the cards, I hear the commercials “Buy something for your Mother…” “Thank your mom…”

I have always avoided church on Mother’s Day. I can’t sit through the whole “Mom’s are such a miracle…” It isn’t that I am not glad to have a mom. It isn’t that I am not proud of my sisters and friends who are moms. I just can’t face the pitying looks and the “aww, don’t you wish you had kids” crap that well-meaning people say.

Yeah, I wish I had kids. I always wanted children. I wanted a houseful of children… but due to medical issues, I was never able to have children. So, when those well-meaning people give me the “D.I.N.K” JOKE (must be nice to be double income, no kids) I don’t find it funny. I also don’t find it funny when people assume that we chose not to have children.

I think people have their heads up their ass when they give the line “oh you can adopt” – yeah? Have you tried it? Guess what – when we were young enough to adopt, our lovely adoption services here had a waiting list of 11 years – that’s right, 11 years, if you wanted a “normal” child, and 3-4 years, if you were willing to take a disabled child. Even then, that was no guarantee. We looked at private adoption, but waiting and hoping to be approved, and then paying between $10,000 and $15,000 in legal fees, just didn’t seem right. Also, in the province of Alberta, at the time we were looking, the birth mom had 6 months to change her mind, and take the child back. This happened to someone very close to me, and I saw how it ripped them apart, losing the child they had waited for for so long, and who they had opened their home and hearts to, and then to lose the child back to the crackhead birth mom at 6 months less 12 hours, just because she was the “mom” solely by being able to spawn a child.

And this year – this year is worse. My mom passed away in January. My mom, who was the best mom in the whole world, the bravest woman I have ever known, the woman who was such a role model of courage and quiet strength, is gone. My mom, who was always there for me as a child, as a rotten teen (sorry, Mom) and throughout my adult life. And what makes it worse, I was the one who had to make the decision to remove her from life support. Yeah, I know that clinically, it was the right decision, but emotionally, it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I know she didn’t want to be kept alive with a ventilator and drugs and cardioversion… that isn’t living. Not for this woman. But dammit, that really sucked. And it still sucks. And I am still mad, and hurt, and feeling guilty, for making that decision, even though I know deep down it was the right one…

And dammit even more, I REALLY MISS her. I miss our daily phone calls where we talked about nothing and everything. I miss being able to tell her about my day at work, and listen to her tell me what she did that day. I miss going shopping with her, especially to the garden centre to pick out new plants each spring, and I miss going to her doctor appointments with her. I miss listening to her talk about how proud she was of all her grandchildren, and the two great-grandchildren who were of course the two cutest little girls in the world. I miss how she would always just have to say a couple words to make me believe that I could succeed, and how she would always be the cheerleader for anything we kids wanted to do, whether it was sports in high school, events in university, and applying for jobs or changing careers.

Dammit Mom, I wasn’t ready for you to be gone.. I will never be ready… and I really really miss you… and I just want to be able to say “I love you” one more time… So when I hear the jewelry commercial that says “Tell your Mom you love her….” I really really hate that commercial…

So this year, I am boycotting Mother’s Day.


On March 17, Greg Gutfeld, a “comedian” on FOX, and several other “comedians” made several incredibly disrespectful and derogatory comments towards Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan.

Quote: http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/stor...?hub=TopStories

On the show, Gutfeld mocked Lt.-Gen. Andrew Leslie, chief of land staff, who suggested in early March that the military may need a year-long break in operations due to personnel and equipment shortages.

"Once their Afghan mission winds down sometime in 2011, certain members of the Canadian military are looking to take a much-deserved break. And by certain members I mean all of them," Gutfeld said.

"Meaning, the Canadian military wants to take a breather to do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white Capri pants."

In the four-minute segment, Gutfeld asked the other three members of his panel: "Isn't this the perfect time to invade this ridiculous country? They have no army!"

Benson replied: "I didn't even know they were in the war. I thought that's where you go when you don't want to fight. Go chill in Canada."

When the Canadian Minister of Defense demanded an apology, Mr. Gutfeld’s response was (

My apologies to the Canadian military, they probably could at least beat the Belgians.

— FakeGregGutfeld (@FakeGregGutfeld)

March 22, 2009

“My apologies to the Canadian military, they probably could at least beat the Belgians.”

Then, when told his apology was not acceptable, his comment was "I realize that my words may have been misunderstood.”

Misunderstood????? Rather than truly apologising for a completely uneducated and insulting comment, he then makes it worse by saying that Canadians misunderstood – putting the blame on Canadians, rather than admitting he was out of line.

I will admit, Canadians are not as vocal about being proud of their armed forces as the US is. I will also admit that our government has done a poor job of providing equipment and supplies to our hard-working men and women.

I also admit, that this idiot who spouted this garbage is a low-rated, middle of the night so-called comedian, whose idea of satire is more insulting than funny.

And yet, I find that I am incredibly offended by this man’s comments. I truly hope that the average middle-class American is not so ignorant of Canada’s role in Afghanistan as Mr. Gutfeld’s. Are people south of the 49th truly so ill-informed that they are unaware that Canada has been in Afghanistan since January 2002? I truly hope not.

I hope that there are consequences for his comments. I think if he doesn’t lose his job, FOX should send him to Kandahar to spend 6 months with our Canadian men and women serving there. He should have to apologise to all our troops.

He should be ashamed of himself.

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