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The Everlasting Journey

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Today is a day off. Currently I am reclined in a chair and catching up on Hawaii Five 0. There is nothing like a little McGarrett and Dano to clear my mind.

Yesterday was the extra day I worked. I came to realize of how hard I am on myself, but also realizing that due to this anxiety come into play. Now many of my fellow colleagues would advise me to get out of the field if this is the case. Yet, this time in my life, I am determined not to give up.

I can only hope that my experience through my career will help those, who may be experiencing the same issues or help those coming into the field some ways to avoid the situations.

In April of 2013, I will be in my 19th year of EMS. It took me 7 years to feel comfortable to move onto pursuing my paramedic. When I reached going to paramedic school, I wanted to do very well. I passed, what do we say what do you call a person who passed their paramedic test "Paramedic". I feel that's as far as I have become. I left one job because I felt unappreciated due to attempt to advance, moved on to another service where I was removed after 2 years.

It was almost 2 years before I came back full time. Worked jobs non related to EMS feeling as if I was lowering my standards. It wasn't until I was about to lose my license and certification, that I made the decision to return. I was working as an LNA in a hospital. I was losing my mind seeing how much I really knew.

After returning full time this June, it was as if history was repeating. Before I returned I told my superior that as I began as a paramedic, I joined this particular organization, to learn and become and exemplary employee. I ended up with a wheelchair driver who recently received his intermediate with no experience on an ambulance. After that it was two partners who I believe were trying to believe undermining to my leadership and care. As I iterated before, I came back as if history was repeating myself. Partners who my superiors knew were substandard in their performance. Not following my orders, not relaying pertinent information, and one having poor assessment skills.

My company has the contracts for working 911 in the two cities of my previous company. One city where I worked for 6 years and have lived for over 30 years. I was advised by one superior that due my past performance I would not be recommended to work in that location. Last week, I was reprimanded with a suspension for a policy that does not pertain to patient care, and was written up for a mistake that still has nothing to do with patient care and it was the first offense.

I know for many of my colleagues. I will have their opinions of I am whining. The point of all of this is. Yesterday, I ended up working with my first partner. I found out a few years ago he received an accommodation from the city for his work. I was floored. Yet, I took being able to work with him as a blessing. Wondering what am I doing wrong.

Well, what I learned is I have a difficult time working as a team, and I just focus on how to make myself look good. By doing this my anxiety goes to a level where I end up sabotaging my reputation. My first call I ended up making a mistake. I felt like the smallest person in the world, wondering why this still happens.

This is when I was coming to the realization, but also feeling as if there was no hope. I was hoping for redemption. A few hours later the craziest thought came through my mind, the saying "God won't give me what I can't handle." My last call was a true inferior MI. It actually went quite well. I did everything in my power to change my approach. It seemed to have worked.

After all I have been through, I am trying to change. I believe change needs to come from me. I want to be positive and become the person I've always wanted to be. Maybe this starting over is bringing awareness and improvement. Wish me luck, if there is hope for me at this mid portion of my life. Maybe others who have gone through similar situations or have the same questions I have had can be helped or we can support each other through this grueling and difficult profession.

I have no idea what I was thinking. I was overhearing a conversation, and through the process I ended up taking and extra shift. I can't believe that after all that brought me down. I am continuing to make myself known as a dedicated and contributing employee, but why.

After so much of being brought down, I feel like I am a wounded girlfriend going back to my abusive boyfriend with this organization. It has been such a road to get to this point. Ups down past haunting me, don't know when I will feel that this will be worth it.

The paycheck I get every 2 weeks is definitely a bright spot. I guess if there is one bright spot. It is better than none.

***Please excuse the last posting, didn't realize I had to change the format. So I could have a properly displayed entry****

Another job where anxiety and fear have taken over, I came into this with a positive attitude. Now, I am on the verge of losing it again. I understand why many people have warned me about working for this national company. I came back into working into this field, because I was able to finally convince myself that I was good. I am good, now I am not saying this to toot my own horn, but just to help my confidence and self esteem that has been torn apart over so many years of being pushed down. I come back and I am pushed down again. Stupid policies that have nothing to do with patient care. I end up with reprimands, when others have done worse. I guess the goal of doing the best to take care of those in need, is not a requirement in this company. If anyone else has been in the same situation, I would greatly appreciated.

Well it been about 2 months since I posted one sentence into the blog. I keep telling myself I'm going to journal. I want to blog, but it's much more fun to play Bejeweled Blitz for 5 hours, then realize you've wasted your day.

I watched Julie and Julia last night. Yup, it reminded me that I wanted to blog again. But yet, as many people feel, I am unsure what to write and how much I want to open up about myself. Oops excuse me I've been off the Vyvance for a month, something shiny just caught my attention.

Ok I'm back. So where should I begin today.

I'm at work. I took an extra shift because my bank account was circling the drain. Ms. Shelley (Dog) and Mr. Mojo (Cat) have had hospital visits that put a damper on reconstructing my finances. Reconstructing is a nice way of putting never had any to begin with.

It's an IFT shift. Notice came out from operations desperate for someone to work a 10 hour shift, and of course once I got into work 10 has become 13.

I like doing IFT work, it is primarily how many of us started, and the education you receive from reading charts and medical records of patient's is great. Just as in the other emergency area of EMS work, it does have it's ups an downs.

Well looks like I'm off for now.


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